As part of an elaborate, though poorly planned, attempt to combat marriage equality in the United States, a man named Chris Sevier sued the state of Utah for not letting him marry his laptop.

Apparently, Sevier was trying to use the slippery slope fallacy—a completely illogical argument against gay rights that assumes marriage equality will somehow lead to societal chaos—to challenge the constitutionality of gay marriage by ironically attempting to marry his computer.

But it's hard to be ironic with something as notoriously hurtful as the slippery slope fallacy. In fact, I think the only time it's okay to ironically use that term is if you're an ally to or member of the LGBTQ+ community and "Slippery Slope Fallacy" is what you've nicknamed your lubed dildo.

In his suit, Chris Sevier claimed to self-identify as a "machinist," meaning he's sexually attracted to machines. And if that's true, then that's fine. I assume plenty of people want to fuck machines. After all, has an entire site dedicated to fucking machines that's literally called Fucking Machines.

We all have our sexual quirks, and if a man wants to slide his dick in between the crevasse of a half-closed laptop, then he has every right to do so. I just wish he'd chosen to identify by a catchier word than "machinist."

It may not be my place to say this, but if kink culture surrounds the kink community and queer culture surrounds the queer community, then I think we should start referring to the culture surrounding those who want to fuck their personal computers as PC culture. It may cause a bit of confusion at first, but I think people would eventually get on board.

Sevier is no stranger to ill-fated lawsuits. He already attempted similar courtroom shenanigans in Florida and Texas, and he failed both times. And that's really saying something. Because if even Florida's courts won't take you seriously, then you must be dangerously full of shit.

He also famously sued Apple for causing his porn addiction (oh yeah, if you hadn't already guessed, this guy is addicted to porn), blaming the computer company after he "accidentally" wound up at instead of, and apparently his life has been spiraling out of control ever since.

I wonder, though, if Sevier's porn addiction really did evolve into machinism (which is how I assume one conjugates the term "machinist" in this context), which in turn developed into a legitimate sense of love between him and his computer. Because if that's the case, it's almost kinda sad that this homophobe can't marry his laptop. It also makes me wonder why he's so confident that his porn-filled laptop is a girl.

But odds are Sevier and his computer don't actually share a forbidden love. It's more likely that the dude's just a bigoted asshole with plenty of free time to fight a lost cause.