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Portland Comedian Dan Weber Read the Bible Before the Pandemic Hit. It Reminds Him Things Could Be Much Worse.

“In the Bible, Yahweh didn’t deal in just a couple thousand people dying,” Weber says. “He would light 50,000 people on fire.”

WW presents "Distant Voices," a daily video interview for the era of social distancing. Our reporters are asking Portlanders what they're doing during quarantine.

Portland comedian Dan Weber grew up Christian. Then, like many people, he left the church, disillusioned. So disillusioned, in fact, that he later started a podcast called Reading the Bible With Dan, in which he read Scripture and made fun of it.

What's the funniest book of the Bible? Ezekiel, he says.

"God fucks with Ezekiel so hard," Weber says. "In order to punish Israel, he makes Ezekiel eat cakes made of human shit and oats. It's hysterical."

Weber has read the Good Book multiple times, so we asked him if COVID-19 rose to the level of a biblical plague. His answer: No. "In the Bible, Yahweh didn't deal in just a couple thousand people dying," Weber says. "He would light 50,000 people on fire."

A native of Tillamook, Ore., Weber was selected by other comics as one of the funniest five people in Portland in 2019. He works remotely as a software programmer during the day, so he has plenty to keep him busy until the comedy clubs reopen. As a card-carrying geek, he's also fine being alone most of the time and meeting friends online for games of Dungeons & Dragons.

"I've been practicing 80 percent social distancing for the last 40 years," Weber says. "I'm not a hugger, and I don't like touching people very much."

But he misses standup, desperately. When this is all over, he's going to go to the first open-mic night he can find, even if he has to drive 200 miles.