Everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day. (Click to expand image)
A. Kells and Paddy's St. Patrick's Day Celebrations
These are your classic downtown drinking festivals. Kids can come, especially to Family Day at Kells on March 19, and if they do they'll learn a lot about why Uncle Mitch isn't sleeping in the same bed as Aunt Cathy anymore. There will be Irish bands, corned beef and cabbage, bagpipers, plenty of Guinness and all the Irish stereotypes a lad or lassie could want.
Paddy's Bar & Grill, 65 SW Yamhill St., 224-5626, paddys.com. Pub opens at 10 am, kids welcome until 9:30 pm. $10 cover after 2 pm. Kells Irish Restaurant & Pub, 112 SW 2nd Ave, 227-4057, kellsportland.com. Hours and cover charges vary from March 17-19. Check website for details. All ages.
B. McMenamins St. Patrick's Day
McMenamins, always a hot spot for decorous drinking parents, is having wee, bairn-friendly celebrations at Edgefield and Kennedy School, with Irish music, face painting and whiskey for when the screaming children painted like mythical monsters get overwhelming.
Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale, 669-8610, mcmenamins.com. Noon-10 pm. Free entry. Kennedy School, 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. Noon-9 pm. Free entry.
C. Jake's St. Patrick's Day
Southwest 12th Avenue between Stark and Burnside streets will be blocked off for a party at Jake's with Irish coffee, clam chowder, Guinness, corned beef and crawfish. What's crawfish got to do with the Christification of Ireland? Someone there should be able to tell you.
Jake's Famous Crawfish, 401 SW 12th Ave., 226-1419, mccormickandschmicks.com. Noon-9:30 pm. $10. All ages.
D. LepreCon 2016
For those who want to snog a wee sprite, LepreCon 2016 starts at Kells. Dress up like a leprechaun and join the elfin horde.
Kells Irish Pub, 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057, stumptownevents.org. 2 pm Saturday, March 19. $5. 21+.
E. EastBurn's St. Patrick's Day
Remember to ask what role corn plays in corned beef at EastBurn's St. Patrick's Day Celebration, featuring corned beef and colcannon made by someone named Mike.
EastBurn 1800 E Burnside St., 236-2876, theeastburn.com. 11 am-midnight Thursday, 11 am-2 am Friday-Saturday, March 17-19. $5 cover after 7 pm on Thursday. 21+.
F. McCann's Shorts: True Tales of an Irish Immigrant
Oh you popish rogue. Celebrate the joy of being a pre-Trump immigrant with pale skin by listening in on McCann's Shorts: True Tales of an Irish Immigrant by Dermot McCann at Gigantic Brewing.
Gigantic Brewing, 5224 SE 26th Ave., 208-3416. 6:30 and 8:30 pm Thursday, March 17. Free. 21+.
G. All-Ireland Cultural Society of Oregon's 75th Annual St. Patrick's Day Celebration
Burn your Irish yoga shirt and stop reducing an entire culture and country to a silly, drunken caricature at the All-Ireland Cultural Society of Oregon's 75th annual St. Patrick's Day celebration at the Ambridge Event Center. In addition to Irish stew, music and beer, two Irish dance groups will perform.
Ambridge Event Center, 1333 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 286-4812, oregonirishclub.org. 4-9 pm. $10. All ages.
H. Feckin's Irish Craft Ale Festival
This beer festival will also have oysters, arm wrestling and Irish dancing. Just slow down on the beer or avoid the oysters, at least before dancing.
Feckin Brewery, 415 S McLoughlin Blvd., 516-7241, feckinbrew.com. Noon-close Thursday-Saturday, March 17-19. $20 buys an event glass and eight beer tasters. 21+.
I. Green Beer at Yard House
Never mind. Keep that Irish yoga shirt. It looks good with the green beer, which you can drink at Yard House through March 20.
Yard House, 888 SW 5th Ave., No. 2004, 222-0147, yardhouse.com. 11 am-11 pm Wednesday-Thursday and Sunday, 11 am-midnight Friday-Saturday, through March 20.
J. St. Patrick's Day No-Alcohol Céilí Mór
You don't have to be a lush to celebrate the removal of the "snakes" (actually druids, RIP) from Ireland. The St. Patrick's Day No-Alcohol Céilí Mór will feature music and dancing and zero puking in the bushes.
Winona Grange, 8340 SW Seneca St., No. 271, Tualatin, sandairishentertainment.com. 6:30 pm. $15.