For a job that's 95 percent sitting, driving for Lyft or Uber can still be exhausting. Savvy rideshare drivers know the nightlife in Portland is poppin', so there's a good chance they'll try their hand at working a Friday or Saturday night every so often to cash in on the increase in demand. By providing you a safe, affordable ride at the press of a button, they're doing you and your drunken friends a major solid. Their job may not seem that hard, but there's a handful of things inebriated revelers do to make their driver's evening much more difficult than it needs to be. Before you and your bros make plans to get crunk this weekend, check out this list of common infractions many intoxicated Portlanders are guilty of so you can do your part to keep the ride safe and smooth.
YOU DIDN'T PIN A REAL ADDRESS.
Nothing says "newb" to a driver like a generic pickup location like "201-299 SW Ash St." You want to go home, but your driver needs to find you first. Being lazy and hitting "confirm" without entering a real pickup location—any nearby landmark, like a Plaid Pantry, will do just fine—is a major pain in the ass.
YOU GET PISSED WHEN WE CALL.
Most drivers know how annoying talking on the phone is, but sometimes—as in the scenario above, for example—a phone call is necessary. Answer your damn phone! Has a mysterious 971 number called you three times in the past minute while you're wondering where your ride is? There's a good chance it's your driver, whose actual phone number gets scrambled by the same magical technology that allows a stranger to whisk you away into the night. But that stranger can't do that if he can't find you.
YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO ESCAPE CHINATOWN.
It's quite simple, really—find the edge of the zone that's barricaded off on Friday and Saturday nights, then walk past it by about a block. Enter the name of whatever building you're in front of, hit "confirm," and you're good to go.
YOU REQUEST A RIDE NEAR MAX TRACKS.
Portland drivers tolerate a lot of shit, but the police are a different story. They won't hesitate to dole out a $200 ticket to a driver who blocks the lone passenger vehicle lane on busy downtown transit streets like Southwest 5th and 6th avenues and Yamhill and Morrison streets. If you're leaving spots like the Roseland Theater, Portland City Grill or Departure, please do everyone a favor and walk 30 feet toward the closest normal street. Don't worry, we'll find you.
YOU SEND A SINGLE MEMBER OF YOUR CREW TO HOLD US HOSTAGE.
You get five minutes to assemble your posse and get in the car. After that, we're gone. Please don't send out the most sober delegate of your group to make us wait while everyone else figures their shit out. Just wait until you're ready to request a ride. It's not hard.
YOU ASK FOR OUR AUX CABLE.
This is a fiercely contested issue among the various Lyft- and Uber-related Facebook groups we polled, but a slight majority of drivers agreed the last thing they want to do is give you the means to scream along to "Bodak Yellow" five times in a row on the way back to your parents' house in Vancouver.
YOU ASK US TO ROLL THROUGH THE TACO BELL DRIVE-THRU.
Yes, we get paid by the minute, but those minutes are much better spent getting you home so we can find another fare than idling in the drive-thru lane until you nod off and forget you ever wanted a Doritos Locos Taco in the first place. And no, offering to buy us one does not count as a tip.
YOU ASK FOR OUR NUMBER.
What year is this, 1998? Hit us up on Instagram and maybe we'll DM you back.