Call it a lack of better options, or little-sister syndrome, or just call it what it is: narcissism of petty differences. Whatever way you want to frame it, Portland and Seattle are desperate to have a rivalry. But Seattle has no basketball team, and Portland has no football or baseball.
And so we've resorted to soccer. When the Timbers and Sounders face off on Sunday, June 25, it's the only time we actually get to keep score between the two cities.
But soccer, unlike other sports, isn't a good measure of an American city's worth: There are ties, and all the really good players are in Spain. And so we conducted an impartial battle between the things we each hold dear.
Iconic, Useless Landmark: Space Needle vs. Stag Sign
Winner: The Space Needle
It's cooler than you expect, actually. You can drink at the top!
Minor League-Quality Baseball Team: Mariners vs. Pickles
The Mariners are having a AAA season, but the hot dogs still cost major-league prices.
Oversized Book Shop: Amazon.com vs. Powell's Books
When's the last time you met a hot date on Amazon? On second thought, don't answer.
Impractical Mass Transit Showpiece: Monorail vs. The Streetcar
Whose useless railway is better? The one that needs half as many rails and actually moves faster than someone on foot.
Most Significant Musical Export: Nirvana vs. Everclear
Kurt Cobain never had an "AM Radio" phase.
Sports Team Owners: Paul Allen vs. Paul Allen
Winner: Paul Allen
The Paul Allen who won a Super Bowl.
'Grammable Tourist Trap: Pike Place Market vs. Saturday Market
Winner: Pike Place Market
The fish fly.
Best Java: Starbucks vs Stumptown
Two words: Unicorn Frappuccino.
Most Prominent Suburb: Tacoma vs Beaverton
The 'Tron has very nice food. Tacoma is made of gray crayon.
Public University: the University of Washington vs. Portland State
Winner: The University of Washington
They have a mall with a Din Tai Fung right off campus.
Macklemore vs. Aminé
If Macklemore got the Grammy, he'd tell you Aminé deserved it more, and then he'd write a "song" about how guilty he felt.
WINNER: Seattle in a 6-to-5 shootout. This is approximately 10 more goals than we expect this Sunday!
GO: Portland Timbers face the Seattle Sounders at Providence Park Sunday, June 25.