Portland Vs. Seattle in Everything

Whatever way you want to frame it, Portland and Seattle are desperate to have a rivalry.

Call it a lack of better options, or little-sister syndrome, or just call it what it is: narcissism of petty differences. Whatever way you want to frame it, Portland and Seattle are desperate to have a rivalry. But Seattle has no basketball team, and Portland has no football or baseball.

And so we've resorted to soccer. When the Timbers and Sounders face off on Sunday, June 25, it's the only time we actually get to keep score between the two cities.

But soccer, unlike other sports, isn't a good measure of an American city's worth: There are ties, and all the really good players are in Spain. And so we conducted an impartial battle between the things we each hold dear.

Iconic, Useless Landmark: Space Needle vs. Stag Sign

Winner: The Space Needle

It's cooler than you expect, actually. You can drink at the top!

Minor League-Quality Baseball Team: Mariners vs. Pickles

Winner: Pickles

The Mariners are having a AAA season, but the hot dogs still cost major-league prices.

Oversized Book Shop: Amazon.com vs. Powell's Books

Winner: Powell's

When's the last time you met a hot date on Amazon? On second thought, don't answer.

Impractical Mass Transit Showpiece: Monorail vs. The Streetcar

Winner: Monorail!

Whose useless railway is better? The one that needs half as many rails and actually moves faster than someone on foot.

Most Significant Musical Export: Nirvana vs. Everclear

Winner: Nirvana

Kurt Cobain never had an "AM Radio" phase.

Sports Team Owners: Paul Allen vs. Paul Allen

Winner: Paul Allen

The Paul Allen who won a Super Bowl.

'Grammable Tourist Trap: Pike Place Market vs. Saturday Market

Winner: Pike Place Market

The fish fly.

Best Java: Starbucks vs Stumptown

Winner: Stumptown

Two words: Unicorn Frappuccino.

Most Prominent Suburb: Tacoma vs Beaverton

Winner: Beaverton

The 'Tron has very nice food. Tacoma is made of gray crayon.

Public University: the University of Washington vs. Portland State 

Winner: The University of Washington

They have a mall with a Din Tai Fung right off campus.

Macklemore vs. Aminé

Winner: Aminé

If Macklemore got the Grammy, he'd tell you Aminé deserved it more, and then he'd write a "song" about how guilty he felt.

WINNER: Seattle in a 6-to-5 shootout. This is approximately 10 more goals than we expect this Sunday!

GO: Portland Timbers face the Seattle Sounders at Providence Park Sunday, June 25.