There is good and there is evil, and sometimes they get to tackle each other.
That's the case this Sunday, when the brave Atlanta Falcons battle a bunch of cowardly fascist sympathizers and proven cheaters in the first major sports event of post-Trumpocalypse America. That national anthem? It's playing for Trump. Those F-16 fighter jets buzzing overhead? Trump could very well send them to bomb Portland. That guy under center for the team in white? He's a close personal friend of the Orange Pepe.
Yeah, you're going to need to be high for this.
Most people not from Boston aren't naturally disposed to liking any team from Boston, let alone one coached and quarterbacked by smirking prep-school boys. But in the 2002 Super Bowl, just a few months after 9/11, it felt right to root for the team brandishing its, uh, patriotism instead of the showboating Rams.
It's been all downhill since. We know now that the Patriots organization engages in shameless and systematic cheating, spying on opposing teams and even altering game equipment to their advantage.Which naturally makes them allies of Trump.
If the collaborators win, our history books will someday call this the "Deplora Bowl," and describe how Tsar Trumpler used the Patriots appearance at the White House to buttress his legitimacy and normalize his regime. (If they lose, he'll send Sean Spicer out to say they won.)
The Falcons, meanwhile, come from Atlanta, "the unofficial capital of Black America." It's a championship-starved majority-minority city, and the Falcons represent it well. Matt Ryan looks like a good ol' boy even though he was an Obama supporter. The team has attitude and swagger. Truly, these are the America Falcons and represent everything redeemable about this fucked-up nation.
For all those suffering under this regime, this game will either be a ray of light or another dark episode in a stretch that's seen too many of them. Either way, it'll be better high.
Here's your Super Bowl hit list.
Take a conciliatory hit if…
• Trump detains or deports Falcons superstar wide receiver Julio Jones before the game on "suspicion of being Mexican."
• Rob Gronkowski, the only likable Patriot and who is currently on injured reserve, says something horrible and racist between now and the game.
• Fox gives airtime to Trump during the game.
• Fox gives airtime to Sean Hannity during the game.
• Any brand uses Clint Eastwood in a commercial. Bonus points if he repeats his belief that America's "pussy generation" needs to "just fucking get over" Trump's racism.
Take a celebratory hit if…
• Color commentator Boomer Esiason dares mention that maybe Tom Brady shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame both because he's a fascist collaborator and known cheater. If Barry Bonds can't get into Cooperstown, why should Canton welcome Brady? (Oh, right…)
• If Falcons wide receiver Mohamed Sanu, the only high-profile Muslim in this game, catches a long touchdown and does something awesomely symbolic.
• If anyone mentions the brave martyr Colin Kaepernick, who made really good points about our nation's institutional racism, but who should have maybe actually voted given the, uh, situation.
• Gisele, the supermodel married to Trump-lover Tom Brady and who has reportedly banned him from talking about Trump, subtweets her stupid husband or Orangey.
• If anyone on the Fox broadcast team refers to Bill Belichick as "a modern-day Avery Brundage."