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I am the quintessential Christmas stoner. As soon as my last Friendsgiving guest has left the building, I light a joint, retrieve my aplastic pine tree from the basement and, in the glow of its built-in pink twinkle lights, begin formulating weed-themed gift lists for all my toked-up friends and family.
It's a real privilege to put my familiarity with weed to work as I shop for the myriad stoners nearest and dearest to me. But it isn't quite as easy as picking up a dank ounce and slapping a bow on it.
Each of the cannabis enthusiasts I'm shopping for this year has unique personal relationships with weed. The best way to honor those relationships is to shop beyond the buds and hopefully introduce my gift recipients to something they can love even more than a top-shelf eighth.
If you're anything like me—a person who knows flowers are temporary but that an attractive rolling tray matching the living room can be forever—this is the gift guide for you.
For the creative feminist:
The Stoner Babes Coloring Book by Katie Guinn ($14.95)
Losing oneself in a coloring book is an age-old stoner tradition. My parents did it, I did it, and my kids are probably going to do it, too. For every generation, there are coloring books that reflect their respective cannabis cultures. Katie Guinn's iconic tribute to babes, bongs, buds and bravado has the rough, authentic feeling of a fine artist's sketchbook and the captivating quality of a comic book you can't put down. Bonus: It's surreptitiously educational.
Where to get it: Microcosm Publishing, 2752 N Williams Ave., 503-799-2698, microcosmpublishing.com.
For the sophisticated in-law you're trying to impress:
Stonedware pipes and trays ($50-$120)
Anyone on your gift list who would rather light the house on fire than place a faux-bamboo rolling tray or phallic glass pipe on the coffee table will delight in Ariel Zimman's thoughtful smoking accessories. The understated glamour of Zimman's gold-detailed ceramic pipes and tools are perfect for the modern minimalist in your life. Pro tip: Pack the bowl before you gift wrap the pipe.
Where to get it: Oregon Weedery, 2312 NW Kearney St., 503-750-4594, portlanddispensary.net.
For the herbal tea-drinking auntie who is also maybe a witch:
Alto THC-infused buckwheat honey ($20.40)
Consummate consumers probably have their herb and smoking-tool needs met, which is what makes THC ingestibles like Alto's infused honey so considerate. Cannabis products that work in concert with other everyday moments—like tea time—are universally appreciated by venerable stoner types who aren't habituated to such medicated luxuries. These buckwheat honey single-serve packs are perfect to share with a crafting club, coven or secret auntie society, all of which smoke a lot of weed and drink a lot of honeyed tea.
Where to get it: Serra, 2519 SE Belmont St., 971-544-7055, shopserra.com.
For the aspiring master chef:
CYOC THC-infused olive oil ($20)
Every family has members who fancy themselves the gourmands of the group. Bless their hearts, we need them to cook our holiday meals so we can smoke blunts outside with the cousins. The gift of THC-infused olive oil acknowledges the smoke-circle sacrifice these stove top zealots make every time they commit themselves to the kitchen. Also, incorporating cannabis into a meal assures a receptive dining audience. Isn't that the greatest gift a kitchen stoner could ask for?
Where to get it: Green Box delivery, pdxgreenbox.com.
For the last remaining members of the greatest generation:
Lady Green's Hint O Mint fudge ($6 for 1.06 ounces)
There is such a wholesomeness to great-grandparents eating fudge at Christmas time. It's even more heartwarming when those same elders start making out super hard because their inhibitions have been suppressed by spiked eggnog, weed and good cheer. The same cannot be said for markedly less adorable problematic oldsters. Exercise best judgment when getting your septuagenarian stoned.
Where to get it: Deanz Greenz, 5625 SE 85th Ave., 503-265-8353; 10415 NE Sandy Blvd., 971-255-0758; marijuana-dispensary-portland.com.