Here Are Five Ideal Treats for Sweet-Toothed Stoners This Halloween

This Halloween is a chance to celebrate what we do have, and maybe get weird under the full moon.

By Brianna Wheeler

You never really grow out of Halloween. When you're a kid, the anticipation is up there with Christmas and your birthday, and when you've got children of your own, it's an opportunity to form bonds over creativity, the pagan origins of so many of our modern celebrations and, of course, candy.

So what happens with many of this year's festivities reworked or altogether canceled?

You can still throw fun-size candies at children from your porch, and make a cardboard Baby Yoda costume for the kid, and form a socially distanced circle with your coven to do some full-moon manifestation spells—or sit around a Williams Sonoma fire pit with the other moms in the cul de sac and overpour a few glasses of red wine. Same diff.

This Halloween is a chance to celebrate what we do have, and maybe get weird under the full moon. To that end, these edible suggestions are the 21-plus trick-or-treats we all deserve after this horror show of a year.

For the Crestfallen Party Animals: Sour Bhotz

All these poor victims of canceled party plans have been robbed of meaningless sexual interactions with willing partners of their choosing—and as a retired slut, I feel their pain. But there's something to be said for getting wrecked in a Zoom chat while wearing a sexy Colonel Sanders costume. Sour Bhotz is the high-potency edible that will satiate the need to get uninhibited without completely couch-locking your body. Even the 5 mg microdose is a bit of a ride. The gummies aren't strain-specific, but the high is generally peppy and bright. The cerebral effects are chatty and creative, and the body buzz is electric. If the Zoom party is lit, this gummy will probably be why.

Get them at: Green Muse, 5515 NE 16th Ave., 503-954-3146, gogreenhop.com.

For the Beleaguered Parents: Hapy Kitchen Truffle Shuffles

Hapy Kitchen's chocolate factory puts out some great edibles, but a house fave are its artisan Truffle Shuffles. When you're at home on candy-throwing duty, this mouthful of chocolate medication is going to make the entire affair much more enjoyable. It's an outstandingly complacent high: unruffled, completely calm, and totally imperturbable. Bonus: The truffles are available in packs of two at 25 mg, or just one 50 mg truffle—which is nice since everyone's tolerance has been tested this year.

Get them at: Green Mart, 12745 SW Walker Road, Suite 100A, Beaverton, 503-747-0333, greenmartpdx.com.

For the Straight-Up Witches: Junk Marshmallow Bon-Bons

Junk—the throwback candy arm of Leif Goods' confectionary kingdom—recently introduced a high-potency version of its Cannabis Cup-winning marshmallow bonbons that I foresee dressing the graham crackers of several bonfire-haunting witches this Halloween. Leif was founded by Carrie and Jody Solomon, visual artists who both lend their brand of magical creativity to the Leif and Junk brands, resulting in some of the most memorable medicated sweets in the city. Each of these pixie-dusted and chocolate sea salt-freckled bonbons contain approximately 20 mg of THC, and each pack contains two sweets. My crystal ball portends this chocolate-covered marshmallow launching some hardcore Scorpio season Halloween magic, or at the very least some very fancy s'mores.

Get them at: Amberlight Cannabis, 2407 SE 49th Ave., 503-233-0420, amberlightcannabis.com.

For the Cranky Codgers: Edibology Cannacubes

Halloween is not for everyone. Loud-ass children banging on your door all night, bored teenagers tossing toilet paper across your yard, drunken parents sloshing down the street, eating handfuls of their children's candy—if it's all just too grotesque for you, close your curtains, put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door, and settle in with Edibology's Chocolate Cannacubes. Edibology's chocolates are available in uplifting, sedative and calming varieties. For Halloween grinches, though, blue is likely the best-suited high for an evening of potential annoyances. A package contains five cubes of chocolate, each containing two 5 mg servings. Edibology's blue variety is formulated with indica terpenes meant to calm and relax without putting you straight to bed. Cue up the Shudder marathon, settle in, and just try to forget children exist for a few hours.

Get them at: potmatespdx.com

Para Dia de los Muertos: La Mota Guava Gummies

All my Latinx homies currently decorating their ofrendas with candles, calaveras and pictures of their departed family members are also going to be indulging in some special event cannabis on Dia de los Muertos. Whether you're spreading orange blossoms around your altar or wondering what a calavera is, La Mota's gummies are going to deliver an easy, manageable, meditative high. Each of La Mota's gummy packs contain one 50 mg candy that can be portioned out into 10 mg or 5 mg segments. While not strain-specific, both uplifting and calming varieties are available, with guava falling into the latter category. Look, when the veil is lifted and your ancestors want to have a hangout, calm indica vibes are going to keep the scene both serene and celebratory, which is the optimal vibe for attending to the spirits of your ancestors.

Get them at: La Mota, multiple locations.