Hey, Goys, It's Time to Start Celebrating Hanukkah

A lot of non-Christians celebrate Christmas. Non-Jews should celebrate Hanukkah too!

Tonight is the second night of Hanukkah, a minor Jewish holiday that ends up getting a lot of play this time of year due to its proximity to the megalithic Christian holiday, Christmas.

I am not technically Jewish, but my grandpa was raised in the religion, the son of Romanian immigrants in Brooklyn. He stopped believing in God at some point in his youth and was an atheist most of his life; the night before he died he said to me, "The hardest part now is coming to terms with nothingness."

But he still liked the traditions of Judaism and would occasionally get us children's books about Jewish holidays. Because of this, my childhood experience with my Jewish heritage was pretty much limited to Passover, Hanukkah and learning about the Holocaust. This means Hanukkah is, to me, the third most important thing about being one quarter culturally Jewish (my grandpa was my dad's dad—this means Jewish people don't consider me Jewish).

I'm not going to explain to you the story of Hanukkah. You can read it here, and you probably know it anyway. My contention, and I may be accused of cultural appropriation here by both Christians and Jews, is that you don't have to be Christian to celebrate Christmas and you don't need to be Jewish to celebrate Hanukkah. I consider myself a secular humanist, and I celebrate pretty much any holiday that comes my way. Want to get an extra-long extra holiday on your calendar? Here are a few ways you can extend your holiday spirit fun time by adding a new family tradition season: secular Hanukkah.

1. Get a menorah.

All reasonable winter holidays involve lights, but this one is pretty much all about the lights. You're one day late on this, but no matter—you can get a menorah at New Seasons for less than $20 and some candles for around $3.

2. Make up your own lighting song.

Technically, you say a prayer while you light the candles, but prayers are hard to remember, and if you don't believe in God or god or Yahweh, totally useless. Still, you'll want to add some solemnity to the occasion. My version is a mixture of the words I remember from the actual prayer and Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song."

3. Light the candles every night, but only if you want to, and don't have other more important stuff going on.

Don't pressure yourself. Holidays should be fun.

4. Invent a Hanukkah cocktail.

Every good culturally appropriated holiday has a drink. See: margaritas on Cinco de Mayo, Guinness on St. Patrick's Day. I suggest something hot toddy-based.

5. Expand your Christmas carols repertoire with the Sarah Silverman classic, "Give the Jew Girl Toys."

6. But also listen to old favorites.

Look, there aren't that many Hanukkah songs, so you're going to need to improvise. Until we can write some more, here are some ideas for your candle-lighting soundtrack.

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