Art by Tricia Hipps. Words by Matthew Korfhage and Lizzy Acker.

Pick the speech to give your friends in mid-February, when the results to your resolution should be in.

Have you been successful in your resolution?

Dear Frenemies: Suck it. As you know, this year I pledged on Jan. 1 to do _________. I was a complete and total success, due mainly to my inner strength and other qualities you do not possess. I did this all on my own. May I be an example to you in all your future endeavors.

Have you completely failed?

Dear Mom and Dad: As you know, this year I pledged on Jan. 1 to do _________. I have failed utterly, which you are used to by now. Will you buy me dinner?