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Dear People of San Francisco:
A plague on your fair city is underway. A traffic and parking disaster of epic proportions. Superbowl 50. The NFL money-making juggernaut, which, OK, is actually technically in snooze-central Santa Clara but is being billed as "in San Francisco," is coming at you. Streets are being shut down, temporary structures erected, people in unfortunate sandals are suddenly flooding your streets.
It's time to put your apartment on Air BnB, buy a plane ticket, and come to Portland for a week or two.
Don't worry, the thing about us hating Californians is mainly hype.
We are not a people who love full contact sports, and we are the closest reasonable West Coast city to you (Seattle is too wet, Los Angeles is Los Angeles and Vegas is not a place one stays for longer than two days). So we will happily offer you temporary asylum. And we guarantee you will feel right at home.
In Portland, like you, we have artisanal ice creams that sometimes veer off the tracks into inedible territory. You have Bi-Rite for the good stuff and Humphry Slocombe for the epically weird; we have Ruby Jewel and Salt & Straw.
We also have plenty of places where an attractive man/woman will serve you an over-priced cocktail with a cute name. Bonus: our overpriced cocktails are still only $10. Downside: no Trick Dog.
If you're worried about the weather, well, don't be! Yeah, it's probably going to rain but you never get a chance to wear your cute raincoat and boots anyway. And if you're the type of person that spends winter weekends skiing in Tahoe, well guess what: we've got a great mountain, Mount Hood, with a bunch of places to ski, less than two hours away and with one thousand times less traffic than Tahoe.
It is our deepest wish that you feel at home when you visit us. Luckily, we too are in the middle of a bit of a gentrification/housing crisis. Half the people here love to talk about being priced out while the other half have that familiar "I'm-biting-my-tongue-till-this-rant-is-over" expression of a person who works in tech or marketing (here it's at Adidas, Nike or maybe Intel), who is clearly the reason the other person can't afford to live alone in a studio in Gresham anymore.
Okay, you don't know what Gresham is. It's like…Richmond, the town not the neighborhood. Don't worry about it. You won't be going there.
We have so many food carts you won't even know what to do with yourself.
Note: we call them "carts" not "trucks."
The best part? You probably don't even have to get a hotel or Airbnb (though you can afford it with what you're making on your apartment) because this town is full of San Francisco defectors. You must know at least three people who will let you crash for a week. (Full disclosure: I am one but you can't stay with me unless I know you and like you and you bring me salsa.)
One thing to remember: bring your own burritos. We don't quite have that worked out yet. Also, and this should go without saying, Beyonce will not be here. But there will be an Aaliyah and Outkast Tribute night at Spare Room for a very affordable $5. Less Beyonce but also less Coldplay, so it basically comes out a wash.
See you all soon! But probably don't fall in love and move here. I can't be blamed for another citywide rent hike.
Willamette Week