Who Would Be the Least Bad Republican Candidate?

Welcome back to Lady Things, the column where we look at the world through uterus-shaped glass. Last week, we explored the experience of being undecided between the two Democratic hopefuls: Hillary and Bernie. This week, we look at things on the other side of the aisle.

Why should you care about the Republican candidates? That's a question I remember thinking back when I was still a teen, in 1999 and 2000, before my first presidential vote. "These guys are ridiculous!" I thought. "Luckily I will never have to live in a world where one of them is president!"

Children are stupid. Now, I'm in my 30s. Now, I know that anything can happen.

One of the greatest lessons a woman must learn in her life is that the world is full of miserable men with power and that at any moment, one of those men could be in charge of her country/body/life. It's important to know these enemies in advance, so you can properly prepare yourself.

As such, I have ranked the remaining Republican presidential candidates in order of worst to least-worst. Send this to your wealthy relatives or register as a Republican and vote yourself!

Most Worst: Ted Cruz

Here are some things Ted Cruz wants America to stop having: Obamacare, gay marriage and abortions. So, if he's elected, say goodbye to that fun summer of getting accidentally pregnant at a gay wedding. Say goodbye to that sweet preventative care you've gotten so accustomed to. Also, fingers crossed you aren't going to the Middle East now that the wedding got canceled, because Cruz is in favor of "carpet-bombing" ISIS.

Add to that his inability to dress himself and the fact that even his own young daughter is embarrassed by him, and it's clear that this guy would be bad for women and bad, bad, bad for America.

Also, isn't he a Canadian?!

Slightly Less Worse/Highly Unlikely: John Kasich, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio

Oh, the sad fate of the Jeb Bushes and Ben Carson's of the world. It's like The Bachelor, how at the beginning of the season there's a ton of girls but most of them are just there for Rose Ceremony padding. Someone has to go home every week, and not everyone gets a compelling storyline. Next week, it's bound to be Ben C., who for a moment recently forgot he was still on the show.

And yes, there's the overly confident Rubio, who looks straight at the camera and says, "I just know America is feeling what I am feeling and that feeling is true love!" He's not completely without reason to be so cocky. He's much better looking than any other Republican candidate and he doesn't believe that climate change is man-made and he thinks marriage should be between one man and one woman. However, "he believes in a 'path to citizenship' for illegal immigrants." And his name is "Marco" which is a bit exotic for the Republican party. Oh Rubio, you're not long for this show, either.

Kasich is the "quirky" one. He's wearing less eyeliner, his job is "free spirit." He, for example, doesn't think the government should deny gay people the right to get married. So weird! He'll be gone before hometowns.

And then there's Jeb. Old Jeb. A favorite before the show when people were just looking at head shots online. Now, he has spoken. And America has fallen asleep.

Least Worst: Donald Trump

Sure, Donald Trump is a racist egomaniac who seemingly wants to have sex with his daughter. But he's also totally and completely full of shit. He's a funny joke. He announced his presidential bid on an escalator.

Donald Trump is a rich man with silly hair who was once a reality star. He owns Miss Universe. Sure, he says he wants to ban all Muslims from America and build a wall to keep out Mexicans. But look, he's not exactly a guy with follow-through. This is not an endorsement by any means. I am just saying that if Trump is elected, he'll probably spraypaint the White House gold, live stream the Oval Office and get bored with the whole thing after a few months. Not great, but at least he probably won't take away the rights of women and gay people in his first 100 days.

And now, a gratuitous GIF of Taylor Swift:

God bless America or whatever.

Willamette Week