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Last week the GOP's absolutely terrible tax reform bill made it through the Senate vote, creating a lot of anguish for pretty much everyone who isn't a ridiculously wealthy child of privilege. It's an evil piece of legislation that would cost us more in the end and absolutely fuck most of us over so that a handful of people can become even more stupidly rich. Now this bill may not pass this time, but the GOP isn't going to give up trying to pass something that gets uglier and nastier with each incarnation.
We shouldn't be too harsh on the GOP for this bill though, because really we could all be in the same financial position as all of them and their donors if we tried harder. You see, the reason why a lot of us are struggling isn't because we lack property and generational wealth, it's because we're lazy and we don't have the right mindset to pull ourselves out of our wretched situations.
That's why this Christmas I'm going to go all out with my wish list and ask for the things I'd want if money wasn't an option. Screw asking for stuff I need, like tires for my car, money for medical bills or gift cards to grocery stores. That's for the poors. This year I need a wish list that's going to motivate me to get off my ass, pull up my bootstraps and start being rich. By thinking like a gajillionaire, I'm setting myself up to soon become one. So here it is, my Christmas wish list for the Trump era.
1. A pearl-handled revolver
Nothing says "New Age of the Robber Barons" like a pearl-handled pistol, and since the House recently passed a bill that would allow for concealed carry across state lines, it's time for me to fully embrace the Second Amendment in all it's outdated glory. It doesn't matter how likely this bill is to pass, the NRA isn't going to give up their agenda until every American lives in so much fear that they require a firearm with them everywhere they go, so I may as well be stylish while I'm cowering in terror inside my mansion.
2. A pet opossum
Like Frida Kahlo, Paris Hilton or Lilly Pulitzer, nothing says pedigree like having a non-conventional pet. You see, if I'm going to be rich, I need to commit to what kind of rich person I'm going to be. Now all super wealthy people are pretty strange, so it's more of a choice between being weird and being a bloodsucking monster, or being more of the harmless kind of rich weirdo who doesn't take their sunglasses off indoors or dances by themselves at music festivals. I've always admired possums and feel like a pet one would really compliment my pubic image.
3. A Tesla lowrider
I'll never understand why Tesla is wasting their time making ugly electric cars when they could be making electric Impalas and El Caminos, which are far superior vehicles in almost every aspect. Even though I'm going to be rich, I'll still be part Mexican, so an electric, self-driving El Camino would be just firme.
4. A self-sustaining biodome fortress kind of thing for when Bitcoin pushes us past the brink of doing anything about climate change
You may have heard recently that Bitcoin is actually really bad for the environment. It doesn't matter that it's one of the most pointless resources sucks since airshows, it's making some people really rich, and therefore happy. Rather than taking away Bitcoin and risk making some people sad and a little less rich, I might as well prepare for the inevitable climate-fueled downfall of civilization with my own mountaintop biofortress.
That's it. See, now that I have lofty material goals to aspire to, I'm setting myself up for success. I already feel more motivated to become one of those awesome, special rich people, who totally share their wealth with everyone else and definitely don't store it in offshore accounts, starving the American infrastructure of much-needed tax revenue. This Christmas I suggest you go all out and ask for anything you can imagine. The sooner you start thinking like a rich person, the sooner you can start actually being a rich person, and then things like their tax bills and net neutrality repeals won't bother you. The only thing holding you back is your own attitude.
