A lot of people hated 2017, but I found that it was an incredibly informative year that taught me a lot about the world. For example, last year I learned that Blake Shelton is apparently sexier than every other living human male, Gwyneth Paltrow shoves jade eggs up her pussy, and that if Democrats try really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hard, they can narrowly defeat a pedophile in a congressional election.
Regardless of how you felt about last year, 2017 is finally over. Unfortunately, 2018 has already proven itself to be just as disappointing.
Donald Trump kicked off the new year by telling the world that he has a bigger nuclear button than Kim Jong-un, but I doubt that’s true. If anything, both men probably have pretty small buttons. After all, people with big buttons don’t have to go around telling everyone how big their button is. Case in point: Obama’s button is so big that he went eight whole years without even mentioning it. He didn’t have to, because Barack Obama has the charm and charisma of a man with big button confidence.

As if comparing button sizes with other world leaders wasn’t enough, Trump is also fighting against the criticism he receives in Fire and Fury, a new book by Michael Wolff that takes an intimate look at the many failings of the Trump administration.

Excerpts from the book have already revealed several harsh details, like that Melania and Donald sleep in separate beds, Jared Kushner is an ineffective lil’ bitch, and Donald Trump never actually wanted to be elected President. And though some may find that last bit shocking, it makes perfect sense once you consider that he’s never actually done anything presidential.
Of course, Trump isn’t the only politician starting 2018 off on a bad note.
Immediately after returning from his seasonal gig as one of Santa’s elves, Secretary General Jeff Sessions announced his plans to crack down on state marijuana laws. Because despite America being a country filled with racial unrest, political unease, rampant sexual harassment, and the looming threat of nuclear war, Sessions’ greatest concern is that some stoner in Denver will get so high that he accidentally funds a public school system.
But what did we expect? Of course our Attorney General hates things like herbal cancer treatments, recreational anxiety relief, and the thought of fewer Black people being incarcerated. In fact, it’s fair to assume he hates anything that brings joy and good into this world. After all, Jeff Sessions is what would’ve happened if Frodo kept the ring.
We may only be one week into 2018, but it’s already abundantly clear that even though it’s a brand new year, our government is still stuck in the same old pile of shit.