Muppet Sex

Everyone loves the Muppets. Then there are some people who love the Muppets. You see what I'm trying to say, son? When a Muppet and a Muppeteer love each other very much, they do a—a special kind of hug, OK? And the Muppeteer puts his—or her, or her—hand inside the Muppet, and something special happens.

You know I want the best for you. Your mother and I both do. That's why I put together this list of Muppets that some people find the most, ah, desirable. I'm not pressuring you—I don't mean to pressure you. I'm just saying, if you are interested in Muppets, well, I pulled this stuff out of the cabinet in the garage, you know, the one I keep locked. These might be some things to…explore. While you explore yourself. I'm sorry! OK, OK, I'm leaving. Do you want me to shut the door? OK! Right. Leaving. Yeesh.

Kermit

He's an assertive go-getter—he puts a whole show together every week. But he's not arrogant, displaying his vulnerable side to the world in the show's weekly anxieties and the—heh—seminal hit "(It's Not Easy) Bein' Green." Oh, to feel those skinny green arms holding you tight at night.

Animal

The wild intensity, the reckless abandon. And yet he has metronomic timing and an artist's heart. Animal is sure to exhaust your body while nourishing your spirit.

Janice

She plays guitar. Enough said.

Gonzo

Look at the size of that—uh, nose.

Statler and Waldorf

Some people like a little bit of sour with their sweet. This pair is famous for being mean, but that could be just what you need. A must for those whose most-Googled terms include "mature" and "threesome."

Rowlf the Dog

Soft and squeezable for the most part, and hard and squeezable where it counts. What a dog.

Beaker

It seems like he's shaped…like something else. Here's hoping he has some control over those explosions.

Sam the Eagle

Who doesn't love a man in uniform?

The Swedish Chef

You better believe he's giving you a massage first and making brunch in the morning. And all that hair. Rrrrrll.

Sweetums

He's got those big, soft lips. And he's 9 feet tall.

Miss Piggy

She's aggressive? She's vain? You try being the one woman in the show's central cast, and see how you like it. No, Miss Piggy knows what she wants, and will karate-chop as many people as it takes to get it.

GO: Muppets Burlesque is at the Star Theater, 13 NW 6th Ave., on Thursday, Jan. 22. 9 pm. $15 advance, $20 at door, VIP passes $25-$125. 21+.

WWeek 2015