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While generations of daters can scarcely remember a time before online dating was dominant—or don’t remember it at all—generations of daters are also sick to death of The Apps, where your AI chatbot could well be mingling with dozens of other AI chatbots before you finally agree on a place to meet in person. And in response, a new class of Portland event organizers is bringing people together in the flesh. Anything that encourages people, single or otherwise, to simply leave their homes and meet some people in this thing called real life feels not just disruptive but subversive. No swiping, no pressure and, most importantly, no pretense (filters).
“Something that we really try to encourage, whether you’re dating or not, is just how to show up and have a meaningful interaction that’s going to help someone feel heard, and help you feel heard,” says Tessah Joseph, one of the co-founders of Squirm, whose events prioritize communication and community building alongside sexual education and erotic content.
“Embracing the squirminess of it all, being ready to have meaningful interactions and practice being a generous conversationalist,” Joseph continues. “That’s something that, in general, our culture could get a little more comfortable with.”
Joseph’s squirmy POV has set her up as something of a field expert on the mating habits of the wild Portlander between the ages of 25 and 50-ish. Decrying the dearth of depth on social media and dating apps, she describes a common hunger for authenticity, for less pressure, and for organic development of relationships rather than the throwaway hookups afforded by online connections.
“No one wants to swipe anymore. It’s a lot of pressure when you have so many other options in your pocket,” Joseph explains, “but reducing the pressure and building the community around spontaneous meets—like just being able to be out and flirt, see what happens—that’s so exciting and fun.”
We rounded up a few IRL mixer events for your consideration and asked Joseph to give us some common-sense tips for attending each type. Here’s what we came up with:
Squirm
Events like HUMP! Film Festival’s afterparty and its group chat mixers position Squirm as the go-to for progressive daters who want to explore communication around sex and relationships. But they are not limited to events alone. Squirm’s offerings also include a deck of conversation cards designed around playful prompts about sex, as well as a podcast miniseries called Porn Nerds that unpacks porn and its effect on our sex lives. “We’re trying to speak to adults who maybe grew up with trauma from family or religion or the media or whatever,” Joseph says, “but we try to create things that people can customize for their own life and relationship style.”
CHECK IT OUT: Singles, curious pairs and other interested folks can enter the Squirm universe in person. It hosts the official HUMP! Film Festival afterparty on Feb. 20 at Revolution Hall (free with your HUMP! ticket) or learn more about its programming and other live offerings at squirm.com.
Timeleft
“So much dating happens through community building and not just like, ‘I’m looking for a girlfriend, so I’m gonna swipe on pictures till I find someone,’” Joseph says, reinforcing the idea that great relationships start with friendship foundations. Timeleft is something of an antithesis to a dating app, instead touting itself as “the friendship app” or “the dinner with strangers app.” The Timeleft platform matches you with a group rather than an individual, ideally supporting the first brave hellos, the chatting afterward, the making of future plans, and the creation of lasting friendships, which could lead to all manner of intimacy.
CHECK IT OUT: Potential friend finders can breeze through a quick personality assessment and quickly set up an account to start finding new homies, setting up blind date–style group dinners or linking for cocktail meetups. The service costs between $3 and $5 a week. Visit timeleft.com or download the app from your phone’s app store.
Luvvly Speed Dating
“Just listening and hanging out and putting yourself in a new environment—that is 100% OK,” Joseph advises. “Participation at your own comfort level is super important.” Which is also a driver of Luvvly Speed Dating, a super-inclusive event series that arranges speed dating by age cohorts and sexual preference, ensuring events are welcoming and generationally familiar. First-date or speed-dating pressure is relieved by the lack of both a host and reserved seating, keeping the vibe informal, the experience down to earth, and allowing you to be present and focused in your conversations with the person before you.
CHECK IT OUT: Luvvly has a calendar of events updated consistently with multiple gender, identity and orientation meetups happening around town. The average cost to attend an event is $28. See what’s happening near you this month at luvvlydating.com.
Shuffle Speed Dating
Shuffle is a low-stakes speed dating event series that borrows dating app highlights while eschewing what makes said apps harder to employ—which is to say, presence and connection are brought to the fore during a Shuffle event, with short conversational prompts to help break the ice. After each date, participants can either Match or Pass right via their phone, receiving their matches the next day. “Plenty of people are still meeting on apps,” Joseph says. “What I hear is that they are missing the possibility of going out and meeting someone, this chance at flirtation with possibility that is missing.” Shuffle seems to offer both that convenience and possibility in one package.
CHECK IT OUT: Shuffle hosts weekly events around town for both queer and hetero singles, with events costing around $25 to attend. Visit shuffle.dating to see what’s happening near you, and if the spirit moves you, reserve your spot today (because they go fast).
