Five Gifts for Bob Dylan's 76th Birthday

A new motorcycle? A giant novelty harmonica? A case of the heebie jeebies?

Voice of a generation, Nobel Prize winner and lovably cranky old coot Bob Dylan turned 76 this week, and members of the Portland music scene are throwing a party in his honor. So we had to ask—if you could, what would you get the Bard for his birthday?

"Considering Bob probably doesn't need anything from anyone, let alone from some scumbag from Portland, and whatever I got him would probably end up thrown in the dumpster immediately, I would probably get him something that would elicit a quick chuckle before it heads to its final resting spot. Probably one of those huge fake harmonicas you would see in guitar stores years ago. Or a coupon for a pizza (half off, not free). Or maybe a blow-up sex doll. Or all three." — David Lipkin, Portland Country Underground

"For Bobby D's b-day, the first thing I would get him is a silly, pointy birthday hat—pink with yellow and blue polka dots. And one of those party streamers you blow on. I hope that he would use it instead of a harmonica if he were to perform. I feel like there is so much gravitas surrounding him that it would be nice to bring the vibe down a peg or two."
— Sean Badders, Quick and Easy Boys

"Other than that, maybe I'd make him a pie. I dunno if he likes pie or not, but he seems like a guy who would scoff at expensive, silly gifts and potentially appreciate a nice slice of homemade pie for his birthday.  Or he could be an asshole and say he hates my pie, in which case I could throw the pie in his face. Either way, it's a win-win." — Sean Badders

"A new motorcycle? A box set of Portlandia? A lava lamp is always a hit." — Paul Brainard, Portland Country Underground

"I already gave him a great gift a few years ago. I was playing guitar with the Little Sue Band when we opened up for Dylan in Bend back in 2005. After our set, I wandered over to a place off the side of the stage, back off in the wings. A couple of songs into his set, Bob calls a security guard over, says something to him, then the guy bee-lines it straight over to me. He says, 'I'm sorry, you're going to have to move, you're freaking Mr. Dylan out.' I freaked out Bob Dylan, how easy could that be? Perfect gift. You're welcome." — Lewi Longmire, Portland Country Underground

SEE IT: Bob Dylan's 76th Birthday Bash, featuring Portland Country Underground and the Quick and Easy Boys, is at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., on Sunday, May 28. 8 pm. $12 advance, $15 day of show. 21+.

Willamette Week’s reporting has concrete impacts that change laws, force action from civic leaders, and drive compromised politicians from public office. Support WW's journalism today.