Tragic news coming out of Glenn Beck's mouth this week (I know, I didn't realize he was still legally allowed to open his mouth either). Portland, Oregon is his No. 1 city to "avoid like the plague."

We beat out Seattle (No. 3) and San Francisco (No. 2), those hellish dens of sin, because we are, according to a study from the Public Religion Research Institute, the major metro area with the highest number of religiously unaffiliated residents. And, I just want to say, great work to us, guys! We beat even San Francisco, known hotbed of nontraditional marriage and year-round sweater weather (proof of God's displeasure) by 10 percent!

While Beck notes that there are plenty of reasons that Portland is going to "meltdown" we're among the most "progressive," we're "probably" a sanctuary city it's our inability to affiliate ourselves with an organized (Christ-based) religion that makes us the No. 1 place "you do not want to live anywhere around as things get worse and worse."

Sadly, the video ends before Beck can get too deep into what he means by "things" and "worse and worse" but I'm assuming he's talking about the Burger Week lines and the fact that Portland traffic has increased by 6 percent since last year.

Portland, I guess this is on us now. Let's all affiliate ourselves with a Christian religion so Beck feels safe moving his family here whenever the strip mall he lives in eventually runs out of water. I hear there's a Catholic church in Laurelhurst somewhere with a gay trans woman for a priest, where everyone defines God for themselves and Mondays are for meditation and yoga and Thursdays are vegan dinners for the homeless. That should work, right?