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Look into those eyes. Those are the eyes of 27-year-old Gresham resident Jeff Rubin. Those are the eyes of a man who might surreptitiously piss on you.
At 4:31 am Friday, according to KOIN who broke this story, Port of Portland responded to a call from an airline that a man arriving on an inbound plane had urinated on other passengers, luggage and belongings.
If you're a Port of Portland Police officer who spends most of your days guiding blackout drunk businessmen to taxis or making sure the TSA agents don't get too frisky with their frisking, this is already the call of a lifetime.
It's as if Andy Kaufman wasn't dead, and he'd chosen your airport to stage his elaborate re-entry into the American comedy scene. However, the play-by-play from the police report reads so much better than anything even Kaufman could have come up with.
Fellow passengers told police Rubin had been lost to deep sleep through most of the flight. One can imagine their surprise that when finally he stirred from his mysterious slumber, his first act was to start urinating "through the crack of the seat onto the passengers seated in front of him."
Anyone who has been on a commercial airliner knows that there is not much of a gap between cushions, and unless Rubin is very tall, he likely couldn't put his penis over the seat backs. It stands to reason, then, that Rubin may have had to thread his penis through the seat cushions in order to gain the necessary urethral access to his unsuspecting victims.
Hours of sleep, however, had not left Rubin with a steady set of sea legs. He lost his balance, peeing a frothing golden arc onto himself, those around him and their belongings.
To ask what went through his mind at this moment seems somehow moot.
When Port of Portland Police boarded the plane, Rubin had returned to whatever mysterious state of comatose he'd been in throughout the plane ride.
Just like our old friend the Portland Pooper (who remains at large), the Portland Pisser faces charges of offensive littering as well as second-degree criminal mischief.
Rubin has been released, we can only hope he doesn't strike again.
Willamette Week