Tofu Bandits on the Loose

Tofu today, gone tomorrow.

Police are currently searching for a delivery truck stolen from a Safeway grocery store parking lot this morning. The truck was full of tofu.

Portland East Precinct officers responded to the call at 9:22 am Tuesday, Oct. 6, at the Safeway located on Southeast Powell and Cesar E. Chavez boulevards. The driver of the truck said he was in the Safeway for about 20 minutes and came out to find the truck and its cargo of "tofu and organic drinks" missing.

According to the driver, the truck belonged to R&K Foods Inc., a Seattle-based natural foods distributor. The R&K Foods website claims 100 percent of its fleet is refrigerated, meaning the "white 2007 Isuzu box truck" described in the police report is actually a refrigerated truck. The vehicle is unmarked except for a "99" sticker on the front and rear doors.

Police still have no suspects, and they are asking anyone who sees the truck to call 9-1-1.

So who would commit this crime?

This author offers a few theories:

  • A gang of tofu thieves driving tricked-out Honda Civics (or maybe Priuses?), a la the original The Fast and the Furious movie, boosted the truck and will flip the natural foods on the tofu black market.
  • A pack of vegan swingers from The Velvet Rope (located directly across the street from the crime scene) stumbled into the harsh morning light after a night of orgying to find the truck. Realizing they’d found the perfect cure for their post-coital protein starvation, they drove the truck off to a secluded location where they could continue their Bacchanalian revelry in peace.
  • A standard-edition petty criminal thought the truck was full of something besides horrible tofu, took the truck, and will probably leave it burned out and abandoned in some far-flung corner of the city.

UPDATE: 3:12 pm

Police have now located the stolen delivery truck…but the tofu is still missing.

Police responded to a call at 1:15 pm today at Southeast 85th Avenue and Lafayette Street, where a resident had identified the stolen refrigerator truck.

When police approached the truck, they found the cargo area empty.

Witnesses said a white man and woman were seen fleeing the scene. No word whether this duo had dreadlocks or hemp pants.

If you have any information about this crime, or if anyone attempts to sell you two tons of tofu, you can contact the police through their non-emergency line at 503-823-3333.

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