Skip to main content
To Whom it May Concern at the Department of the Interior and Bureau of Land Management,
My name is Martin Cizmar and I am writing to assert my claim to the grazing rights to 33,000 acres of New Mexico land, which were recently renounced by a Mr. Adrian Sewell of Silver City, New Mexico. Assuming I am first in time, I would like to immediately file whatever paperwork is required, and pay the $1.69 necessary to put my first cow-calf pair on this acreage.
I understand Mr. Sewell is very upset about having to pay these modest fees on land. I will be happy to pay those fees, because I believe they are quite a good bargain rate for using public land to make my living. I am happy to follow whatever rules apply to my cow-calf pair.
And I would also like you to know that I am very comfortable securing my newly acquired rights against Mr. Sewell.
I understand that he has expressed some intentions to continue using my land. I sure hope he doesn't do that, because if I see his cows on my acreage, I will hunt them like deer. After dispatching these bovine trespassers, I will be sure to take their still warm carcasses to the nearest slaughterhouse, and so long as the beef passes USDA inspection, I will have it processed, selling enough to pay for the processing, and then passing the rest along to a local shelter or school. Please know that I have only the best intentions here, which doesn't include profiting off something I don't own.
If Mr. Sewell himself should attempt to stop me, I will of course be following the laws of the Old West, and giving him plenty of warning to get his yellow belly the hell off my property before I pump his lazy, no-good ass full of lead. I also intend to alert the most honorable Raul D. Villanueva, the sheriff of Grant County, where my new land is located, about my intentions so that he can hopefully deter Mr. Sewell from trespassing. I understand that Mr. Villanueva is the most powerful law-enforcement agent in the nation according to the Constitution, although this is confusing because the word "sheriff" does not appear in the Constitution, and in Colonial America the sheriff was appointed to oversee rural areas by the governor, and many places didn't have sheriffs, which is a little weird for a constitutional office.
Anyway, my cows will be out there in Grant County come spring. I will probably get a guard llama to watch over them, because I've heard llamas are much more effective than a dog at deterring wolves and coyotes. Since I live in Oregon, I will probably attach a camera and a fitbit to each cow (and also the llama) to make sure they're alive and getting enough sustenance. Should Mr. Sewell attempt to harass or molest my own cow-calf pair (or my llama) in my presence, he will be shot immediately, in keeping with the Common Law procedure for serving justice to cattle rustlers, as best I understand it from Western movies. In the much more likely event that I am not around to witness his trespass, I will write to him to request reimbursement, and unless he pays, I will use the images from my CowCams to present a posse of my friends with enough information to hold a trial. After our "court" hearing, if he's convicted, we will handle him as cattle rustlers traditionally were, by shooting him in the back in the middle of town as he exits a saloon. I will then take whatever jewelry he has on him, and his boots, to satisfy the debt he owes me for my cows and/or llama.
I intend to name my cows Juniper and Sagebrush. The llama's just called llama. Assuming the brand shape "Flying F" is still available, I would like to register it, as it is symbolic of my deeply held concerns about the difficulties the previous occupier of my land dealt with during his stewardship.
Please confirm receipt of this letter, and let me know if I can send a personal check to cover the $1.69, or whether you'll be needing a cashier's check or money order.
Also, I should say upfront that I don't know much about tending cows, so I would love to be contacted by one of the extension agents who taxpayers pay to help farm folk. I know, in other parts of the world, even countries with socialized medicine, extension services have been privatized. Here in America, I am very appreciative of the fact that, in agriculture, the government employs the consultants who teach full-grown adults how to do their jobs. I would also like to apply for whatever subsidies are available to someone who is only lightly using their rangeland, and I might be having, like, 10 foster kids living in trailers on the land, which should provide me with at least hundred thousand dollars of government money for the year. Also, I would like a $500,000 loan from the government.
I will also be writing to Mr. Sewell to warn him about bringing any of them Bundy Boys on to my land. I don't cotton to criminal gangs threatening violence and I will do whatever is necessary to secure my rights.
Sincerely,
Martin Cizmar
Willamette Week