How Exactly Would You Go About Eating the Rich?

We’ll begin with one of our planet’s most enduringly popular questions: Who eats and who gets eaten?


When leftists chant slogans like “eat the rich,” have they really thought about eating, like, Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk? How would you cook them? —Erin the Red

If you think activists who’d really eat the rich are rare, Erin, you should see how few of them are actually down to fuck the police. Anyway, I won’t presume to say whether the proletariat’s desire for an apocalyptic blood feast is genuine or just an act. However, I can use science—science, I tell you!—to show how such a thing might go down.

We’ll begin with one of our planet’s most enduringly popular questions: Who eats and who gets eaten? If our goal is to provide every diner with a full day’s worth of sustenance—in the U.S., about 3,500 calories—who should count as rich?

Let’s assume Americans are roughly the same as pigs—usually a safe assumption—and 57% of our mass is edible. With an average weight of 180 pounds, each of us should furnish just over 100 lbs. of meat (albeit of wildly varying quality), making each rich person worth about 130,000 calories. That’s enough to feed 37 of their until-recently-less-fortunate fellow citizens.

We’d only need to sacrifice the top 2.7% of the nation’s wealth distribution—folks worth $2 million or so and up—to give the world a barbecue it’ll never forget. Sure, it’s just for one day—but don’t forget that many of those recently devoured rich folks were worth much more than $2 million. Their heirs, and the heirs of their heirs*, will now be fair game. Why, Jeff Bezos’ fortune alone could trickle down to 60,000 different people and still not miss the $2 million cutoff. We’ll eat for weeks!

Of course, if the rest of the world finds out about our little game, things may not be so rosy: Globally, you only need a net worth of about half a mil to crack the top 2.7%—no danger for me, but uncomfortably close if you’re a homeowner with a 401(k) lying around. And, of course, if you calculate by income rather than wealth, it only takes about $39,000 a year to schlep your way onto the menu. I haven’t done my taxes yet, but until I do I’m going to be extra careful not to spill a whole bottle of A.1. sauce on myself just in case.

*Say THAT five times fast.

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