Editors note: This letter was sent to us by a concerned citizen. We do not endorse her opinion, but we wanted readers to know that some native Portlanders harbor such opinions.

Dear Californians,

You kept hearing about this Utopia known as Portland where they put bacon on donuts, fairies practically appear when you hike on nature trails and houses can be had for the price of your designer SUV. You came here during the summer and frolicked among the vibrant natives. You won the bidding war on a boxy condo that was built after a charming bungalow was ripped out like a bad tooth. You felt you had hit the jackpot as you strolled through your new neighborhood sipping Stumptown coffee, buying handmade hats and jewelry from local artists without paying sales tax.

And then today happened. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You want to know why people in Portland are so creative? Because we fight depression by staying inside–making art and dreaming up ideas when it rains. Which is going to happen for the next eight months. So brace yourself. You'd better take up painting or crochet or get a SAD light or go back on Zoloft. Otherwise, by next summer, you may be missing your left ear.

#willthelastrealOregoniantoleavePortlandpleaseturnofftheWhiteStagsign

Janea Dahl