According to Fox News Provo, Utah, San Antonio, Texas, Nashville, Tennessee and Huntsville, Alabama are all "alternatives to Silicon Valley with better weather than Portland."

In a post aptly titled "6 Alternatives to Silicon Valley With Better Weather Than Portland," John Boitnott writes about the reaction he received after declaring that "Portland, Oregon has become a popular alternative to Silicon Valley," which revealed to him that—gasp—the people of Portland are "concerned about how Portland is 'becoming the next San Francisco.'"

Oh, John Boitnott. You've learned an important lesson about the internet: There will be backlash.

He decided to helpfully list some places that tech companies could take their money, if they are making relocation decisions based on angry comments. He's picked six places with what he calls "better weather than Portland."

Weird, because Portland might have the most perfect weather in the United States (I'm including you, Hawaii).

I cannot speak to the tech potential of these cities, but I am kind of an expert on "best weather." Follow me while I refute Boitnott's claims.

Roanoke, Virginia

With an average annual temperature of 56.95 degrees compared to our 54.5 degrees and an average yearly rainfall of 41.22 inches compared to our 35.98 inches, Roanoke is pretty close to Portland, weather-wise. We're a little drier, a little cooler in the summers and a little warmer in the winters and we get only 4 inches of snow a year compared to their 20. Verdict: Portland has better weather.

San Diego, California

If you're one of those people in search of the endless summer as well as an increased risk of sun damaged skin, sure, San Diego is great. But if you enjoy the changing of the seasons and potable water, you know there's no contest here. Verdict: Portland has better weather.

Provo, Utah

Provo has hot summers with an average high of 94 degrees in July, compared to our 81 degrees. And they have cold, snowy winters—January's average low is 22 degrees and the average yearly snowfall is 58 inches. We clock in at an average low of 36 degrees in January and, as I said above, 4 inches of snow a year. Also, in Portland, our beer has a respectable amount of alcohol in it. Verdict: Portland has better weather.

San Antonio, Texas

San Antonio is in Texas. I went to Texas once. Texas is so hot. Verdict: Portland has better weather.

Nashville, Tennessee

Nashville is an interesting case. When looking at the scientific data, the weather seems pretty OK. The average high in July is 89 degrees and the January low is 28 degrees. They get 47.24 inches of rain a year and 7 inches of snow. However, if you want an abortion in Tennessee, you're required to have "state-directed counseling" and then wait 48 hours. Also in Tennessee, mental health providers are legally allowed to refuse to see patients who violate their "sincerely held principles," which many people see as meaning therapists can refuse to help gay people. Verdict: Portland has better political weather.

Huntsville, Alabama

Huntsville is hot. Hot, muggy and also hot. I'm beginning to wonder if John Boitnott and I are maybe defining "weather" differently? Verdict: Portland has better weather.

In summation, I think it's pretty clear that Portland has the best weather in America, if not the world, if not the universe. Does that mean you should move your company here, along with all its paying jobs? Well, I'm about to get super controversial but…yes! I currently know at a minimum three unemployed people with advanced degrees that would be perfect employees! Email me. I'll put you in touch!