It's been a hard week for everyone.

Everything is canceled, hardly anything is open, and you have to consult Centers of Disease Control and Prevention guidelines before taking a stroll around the block. We're all going a bit stir crazy, but look on the bright side: At least you're not writing fan fiction about a sign.

The same cannot be said of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

Last week, the feds shut down the historic Bonneville Lock and Dam in the Columbia River Gorge to the public, and the social media manager for the agency's Portland district appeared to quickly succumb to cabin fever.

First, they proposed taking Herman, the sturgeon that lives in the nearby Bonneville Hatchery, on a tour of the dam, à la the penguins at that aquarium in Chicago. The idea was quickly shot down, but not before posting a photoshopped image of what that might look like on Facebook.

Then, on Thursday, they published an imaginary conversation with the "Area Closed" sign standing guard outside the Bonneville visitor center. It got…existential.

"My presence serves the purpose of denying others a presence," "the sign" "says." "I guess it's my cross to bear."

It's the best interview with an inanimate object since Clint Eastwood interrogated an empty chair at the Republican National Convention.

Read the full Q&A below, and feel better about staging a performance of Pagliacci with your cats on Instagram Live.