American beer has moved on without us. As
weâve been drinking sour elderberry stouts in our Portland bubble,
Budweiser has expanded into Platinum, Select and Black Crown varieties.
Meanwhile, Coors cans have two temperature indicators and a weird vent
thing, and Miller Lite pours through a vortex.
In honor of the
Fourth of July, we decided to reacquaint ourselves with the suds of our
younger years, revisiting what most of our countrymen still call "beer."
That is, light (or lite) beer.
than half of American beer is a light lager. Bud Light and Coors Light
together account for nearly 40 percent of all beer sold in this country.
Honestly, we had no
idea what to expect. Would we recognize Bud, Miller or Coors? Is Bud
Light Lime more like kaffir or Key limes? Six WW tasters put the beers through a blind taste test to find out, grading these brews on a 100-point scale.
and lowest-alcohol brew in the bunch, Miller 64, actually won on flavor,
barely muscling out Bud Light Platinum. Meanwhile, the two craftiest
brews in the bunch—Sam Adams Light and locally made 4th Street Brewing
Gresham Light—came in last. Rating just above them was another Portland
sacred cow: the low-cal version of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
What did we learn? You can't beat corporate America on its own turf.
1. Miller 64 (61.8 points)
Regular Miller Genuine Draft is made with
the same ingredients as Miller High Life. The difference? MGD was the
first lager put through a process called cold filtering, which, unlike
flavor-killing heat pasteurization, allowed it to taste more like kegged
beer than competitors. This is the light version of MGD, a scant 64
calories and 2.4 percent alcohol by volume so you can easily pound a
sixer all by yourself, just as George Washington intended.
âA little more substance that the others, but not too much.â
âDoesnât linger, which is to its credit.â
âRefreshing. I like it.â
2. Bud Light Platinum (60)
What's platinum about this higher-alcohol
version of Bud Light? Well, the bottles are an embarrassing hue of
blue, and it's a weighty 6 percent ABV. It's also comparatively tasty.
âSweet. Bright. I like it.â
3. Bud Light Lime Straw-ber-rita (58)
This is beer? Well, sorta. A tall boy of
this bright-pink strawberry-margarita-flavored Bud Light doesnât taste
like itâs 8 percent ABV. If Mikeâs Hard Lemonade tastes a little too
bitter for you, grab one of these.
âSweet and fruity. I can tell itâs strong but canât taste the boozeâthereâs a time and place for that!â
âLike sugar and regret. Hello, spring break!â
âTastes like Hi-C. Reminds me of the first time I got drunk on St. Ides Special Brew.â
4. Coors Light (53)
Remember when Burt Reynolds was paid
handsomely to bootleg Coors beer from Texas to Georgia? That was regular
Coors, back when the Colorado company still refused to pasteurize its
âThe sparkler of beers: Totally inoffensive but equally uninteresting.â
âA little soapy, but I still like it.â
âPerfect for a pitcher and a night of Settlers of Catan.
5. Bud Light Lime (52)
Put some chili powder on the rim and youâve almost got a Michelada. Algunos de los gringos no les gustÃ³.
âThereâs a lotta lime in this lager; tastes like Blue Texas.â
âI have had a lot of beer like this in Mexico. If you donât like this, youâre maybe racist.â
âIâd prefer Tecate with a real lime.â
6. Miller Lite (48.3)
We poured this sample from a regular can. Had it been poured from a vortex bottle, the results may have been very different.
âBeer for sad people.â
7. Keystone Light (44.1)
Regular Keystone is only 120 calories and
4.5 percent ABV, so one wonders why anyone needs a 104-calorie,
4.13-percent ABV alternative, and yet here we are.
âSharper initial taste. Kinda makes my teeth feel weird. I did go to the dentist today, so I dunno.â
âTasteless. Is this water?â
âA bit sharp; also maybe floral?â
8. Bud Light (43)
You heard it here first: Americaâs best-selling beer is not as good as Americaâs best-selling beer spiked with lime concentrate.
âDull. Fine. Chalky.â
âDepressingly middle of the road.â
9. Busch Light (39)
They call Busch Light âsub-premium.â Yup.
âSome guy in Gresham drinks a case of this every night.â
âLike dusty air at a rodeo.â
10. PBR Light (33.3)
The little-seen light version of Portlandâs standby brew did not impress our panel.
âTastes like the vacuum of space. Does this exist?â
âWell, itâs liquid and fairly cold, so thatâs cool.ââOnly tastes like urine if you warm it with your hands. Otherwise, it tastes like tap water.â
11. Gresham Light (19.8)
Local isnât always betterâat least not
with light beer. Purchased in a growler from Greshamâs 4th Street
Brewing, which is on 4th Street, in Gresham, this light version of a
craft ale may have suffered from a lack of focus-group research.
âActually has some hops.â
âTastes like breadâawful bread.â
12. Sam Adams Light (16)
The most pretentious of the bunch, this
snooty Bostonian brew was roundly despised by our all-American tasters.
Sam Adams Light: itâs light treason.
âWhat a color! Too skunky.â
âSmells like garbage. Tastes like garbage.â
âLooks like beer. Tastes like garbage.â