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Portland taught me that if you plant a food cart in fertile soil you'll get a condo building in about a year. —Jason Traeger
This guy asked me if I had had sex with a lot of men, and I was like, "Men is a strong word." —Barbara Holm
The ladies call me Comcast, 'cause you only get the best out of me if you threaten to leave. —Jon Washington
I just saw a moving truck for a company named "Annie Haul." Go fuck yourself, Portland. —Curtis Cook
#NeverEndingPasta sounds like more of a threat than an offer. —Gabe Dinger
If Ebola can mess with Texas, then we are basically fucked, right? —Christian Ricketts
Advice for girls in your 20s: Whenever you feel fat, just remember you are probably the thinnest you will ever be. xoxo!! —Amy Miller
Yes, I'm still "legally married," but I prefer "illegally single" b/c it sounds cooler. —Veronica Heath
I want a sandwich in the streets and an ice cream sandwich in the sheets. —Alex Falcone
If you prefer ranch over blue cheese on your wings, that's how I describe you to other people. —Bri Pruett
Wearing blackface for your Halloween costume is only funny if the police proceed to mistake you for an actual Black person & then kill you. —Curtis Cook
I don't know anything about Game of Thrones except for that you're all fuckin nerds. —Andie Main
Anybody want to join my World War 3 pre-enactment group? Meet me at the park with your space suit and mind laser at 1:30. —Alex Falcone
Been furiously watching these ice bucket challenge videos for hours & all I have is raw dick skin & no cum.
—Tim Ledwith
I wonder how Guy Fieri is able to cook when his arms are folded all the time. —Christian Ricketts
Can I please get bitten by a radioactive person with their life together? —Barbara Holm
Just found out NY no longer does stop-and-frisk. I guess I brought this boner for nothing. —Gabe Dinger
Karaoke is Japanese for "white woman being real comfortable saying the N word." —Zak Toscani
I grocery shop much like I date: what's in front of me? I'll take it. I don't wanna be here long, it's giving me anxiety. —JoAnn Schinderle
America needs a new Black comedy dad. Someone find me a sweater collection & an informed, consenting woman I can impregnate multiple times. —Curtis Cook
If you made a Venn diagram of really high dudes and children, OMSI would be in the middle. #DontTouchThat —Gabe Dinger
The tone shift between Gremlins, and Gremlins 2 is drastic. —Anthony Lopez
I'd be a pretty good parent. Really. But I gotta say, I'm totally killing it as an alcoholic instead. —Andie Main
21st-century broken home: One day, dad went out for a pack of vape refills. And he came back. —Jon Washington
As far as I can tell, the biggest difference between Portland and Seattle is that when people in Seattle jaywalk they don't dawdle. —Stephanie Purtle
When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Kristine Levine left the conversation." —Kristine Levine
1. Sean Jordan 2. Curtis Cook 3. Steven Wilber 4. Christian Ricketts 5. Nariko Ott
Also: Portland Comedy Showcases | Funniest Tweets | Podcasts Worth Hearing
WWeek 2015