Portland taught me that if you plant a food cart in fertile soil you'll get a condo building in about a year. —Jason Traeger


This guy asked me if I had had sex with a lot of men, and I was like, "Men is a strong word." —Barbara Holm


The ladies call me Comcast, 'cause you only get the best out of me if you threaten to leave. —Jon Washington


I just saw a moving truck for a company named "Annie Haul." Go fuck yourself, Portland. —Curtis Cook


#NeverEndingPasta sounds like more of a threat than an offer. —Gabe Dinger


If Ebola can mess with Texas, then we are basically fucked, right? —Christian Ricketts


Advice for girls in your 20s: Whenever you feel fat, just remember you are probably the thinnest you will ever be. xoxo!! —Amy Miller


Yes, I'm still "legally married," but I prefer "illegally single" b/c it sounds cooler. —Veronica Heath


I want a sandwich in the streets and an ice cream sandwich in the sheets. —Alex Falcone


If you prefer ranch over blue cheese on your wings, that's how I describe you to other people. —Bri Pruett


Wearing blackface for your Halloween costume is only funny if the police proceed to mistake you for an actual Black person & then kill you. —Curtis Cook


I don't know anything about Game of Thrones except for that you're all fuckin nerds. —Andie Main


Anybody want to join my World War 3 pre-enactment group? Meet me at the park with your space suit and mind laser at 1:30. —Alex Falcone


Been furiously watching these ice bucket challenge videos for hours & all I have is raw dick skin & no cum.
Tim Ledwith


I wonder how Guy Fieri is able to cook when his arms are folded all the time. —Christian Ricketts


Can I please get bitten by a radioactive person with their life together? —Barbara Holm


Just found out NY no longer does stop-and-frisk. I guess I brought this boner for nothing. —Gabe Dinger


Karaoke is Japanese for "white woman being real comfortable saying the N word." —Zak Toscani


I grocery shop much like I date: what's in front of me? I'll take it. I don't wanna be here long, it's giving me anxiety. —JoAnn Schinderle


America needs a new Black comedy dad. Someone find me a sweater collection & an informed, consenting woman I can impregnate multiple times. —Curtis Cook


If you made a Venn diagram of really high dudes and children, OMSI would be in the middle. #DontTouchThat —Gabe Dinger


The tone shift between Gremlins, and Gremlins 2 is drastic. —Anthony Lopez


I'd be a pretty good parent. Really. But I gotta say, I'm totally killing it as an alcoholic instead. —Andie Main


21st-century broken home: One day, dad went out for a pack of vape refills. And he came back. —Jon Washington


As far as I can tell, the biggest difference between Portland and Seattle is that when people in Seattle jaywalk they don't dawdle. —Stephanie Purtle


When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Kristine Levine left the conversation." —Kristine Levine