1. GENE SIMMONS (Los Angeles Kiss)
Once asked NPR's Terry Gross to "welcome me with open legs," and implied that people with depression should just kill themselves. Arena football is the painted-face glam rock of sports, and Kiss is its avatar.

2. DAVID SIEGEL (Orlando Predators)
Sells time-share condos, like every other prosperous Orlando businessman. Featured in The Queen of Versailles, a documentary about building America's largest, gaudiest house. Campaigned for Bush in Florida in 2000; helped ruin America's standing in the world for three generations.

3. VINCE NEIL (Las Vegas Outlaws)  

4. TERRY EMMERT (Portland Thunder)

5. DAN GILBERT (Cleveland Gladiators)

6. THE FRY FAMILY (San Jose SaberCats)

7. DAN NEWMAN (New Orleans VooDoo)

8. LARRY PAYNE AND DIVA NAGULA (Jacksonville Sharks)

9. TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING (Tampa Bay Storm)

10. RON “JAWS” JAWORSKI (Philadelphia Soul)

11. NADER NAINI (Spokane Shock)

12. RON SHURTS (Arizona Rattlers)
GO: The Los Angeles Kiss, the Kiss of the Arena Football League, plays the Portland Thunder at 7 pm on March 27 at the Moda Center.