Chronic pain is the worst. Muscle relaxers don't really help, painkillers cause nausea and/or numbness, and there isn't much treatment besides rest, which isn't much of an option.

Enter Empower Oil and its three products, with a fourth still in testing. Its flagship products—CBD-only, THC-free Healing Hemp Oil Blend ($24) and THC and CBD Cannabis Infused Oil ($30)—each come in 9-ounce bottles with roller-ball applicators. There's also Therapeutic Soaking Salts ($10) for bathing, and a yet-to-be released Personal Touch Oil that's fun for any gender.


Cannabis Infused Oil

No, you cannot get high from this, but you sure can tell it's more than just fancy oil. I used this product for three weeks to treat back spasms and psoriasis on my right foot. The fresh, minty aroma isn't the typical medicine smell of most store-bought muscle relaxers. As for my skin issues, it hasn't yet cured my condition—neither did doctor-prescribed steroids, for that matter—but it did dramatically lessen the painful itching, reduced the ugly swelling, and soothed dry skin I was worried would crack. It also returned some sensation to my calloused feet, though it never pulsed, stung or felt unnatural. Verdict: Would buy again.


Healing Hemp Oil Blend

You definitely can't get high from this one, so don't even try. This was used for three weeks to treat recurring tennis elbow and forearm tightness, sore calves, and a psoriasis outbreak on my left foot. It treated muscle pain well, though didn't provide the same added sensation experienced with the THC-infused oil. It also treated all of my psoriasis symptoms, but didn't cure it. Verdict: Would buy if THC version wasn't available or for someone super-scared of psychoactive substance.


Therapeutic Soaking Salts

My skin felt soft and smooth but not oily or greasy, and I smelled like I'd just left a spa. Verdict: Buy if you enjoy soaking in baths.


Personal Touch Oil

It took a little persuading to get my wife to try the Personal Touch Oil, because for some reason she wasn't too keen on me asking her questions while actively reviewing the product. Application was tougher than I expected, as the directed stream seemingly shot any direction it wanted—granted, I was a little distracted—but I figured out where the hole was before accidentally shooting it in either of our faces. My wife thought I felt more turned on but not bigger, and didn't report increased sensation, while the oil made me think of my penis as a pulsating rod, which made me think of hentai. My orgasm was more intense and lingered longer than normal, while my wife reported that her turn included a quicker-than-normal and longer-lasting orgasm. Verdict: may I order by the case? 

BUY IT: Empower Oil locations can be found at empoweroil.com, currently for OMMP patients only.