AP Film Studies: Father's Day Of Reckoning

Three months ago, my movie-viewing outlook changed dramatically. That happens when you become a first-time dad. Suddenly, with the birth of James Bodhi Thornhill Humungous Kryza, I find myself more critical of onscreen fathers.

The film's revival at a Portland theater got me thinking—between late-night feedings and the nightly bedside reading of the Point Break script—about the lessons a lifetime of cinema has taught me, and how I can use them to benefit my little girl.  

Lie. But lie about people you know. That way, when the kids call bullshit on your deathbed, they'll feel bad when a giant actually shows up at your funeral. —Big Fish (2003)

Lie, but only to violate strict court orders so you can unlawfully spend time with your unknowing children without damaging them for life. —Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

Your dead dad still cares more about baseball than he does about you. The only way to reconcile is to care more about baseball and impressing your dead father than about your daughter. —Field of Dreams (1989)

Be Steve Martin. —Parenthood (1989)

Pick your favorite child, then just kind of slap the other ones around until the day you die. —The Godfather (1972)

Ted Danson is an unreliable babysitter. —3 Men and a Baby (1987)

When taking care of the kids, align yourself with the hot neighbors, then hope your wife doesn't read your newspaper column (hi, honey!). —Mr. Mom (1983)

Never, ever let your daughter attend a U2 concert. —Taken (2008)

Also Showing: 

1. Weird Wednesday presents 1973 sexploitation romp Invasion of the Bee Girls, a film that has somehow never found its way into a Wu-Tang song. Joy Cinema. 9:15 pm Wednesday, June 17.

1. Continuing its pairings of movies and cocktails, Pix is showing Good Morning, Vietnam with a drink called DJ Adrian Cronauer that hopefully doesn’t include Tang. Pix Patisserie. Dusk Wednesday, June 17.

1. The new Queer Horror film series launches with a screening of the slasher quasi-classic Sleepaway Camp, hosted by drag clown Carla Rossi. Hollywood Theatre. 9:30 pm Thursday, June 18.

1. The best lesson learned from Noel Marshall, whose passion project Roar resulted in the systematic mauling of his family: Keep your kids the fuck away from Noel Marshall’s house. Hollywood Theatre. 7 pm Thursday, June 18.

1. Jurassic World is currently conquering the box office, and it, like all giant monster epics from the past 80 years, owes a tremendous debt to 1933’s King Kong. Academy Theater. June 19-25.

1. Hitchcock lends his trademark unease to the Cold War with the oft-overlooked 1969 thriller Topaz. Laurelhurst Theater. June 19-25.

1. The Columbia River Theatre Organ Society busts out a live score to the 1926 swashbuckling yarn The Black Pirate. Hollywood Theatre. 2 pm Saturday, June 20.

1. Reel Feminism gets in the spirit of Pride with a screening of the scathingly funny gay-panic takedown But I’m a Cheerleader. Clinton Street Theater. 7 and 9 pm Monday, June 22.

1. Every year, Hollywood programmer Dan Halsted puts together a night of exploitation trailers from the grindhouse era of trash cinema. And year after year, it manages to be the best goddamn time you’ll have in a movie theater. This time, he promises to offend with an all-new roster of depravity. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Tuesday, June 23. 

WWeek 2015