Surprise! Mr. Nude Portland is not all it's cracked up to be. But last Sunday's cock-and-ball showcase for this annual soiree was still more fun than any stroll I've ever had at Sauvie Island.

No, I didn't go bare-ass (I'll spare the world a peek at my fuzzy butt for a bit longer). At the invitation of Rose Empress XLIII, The Lovely Suzanne, I was given the momentous burden of judging, alongside a panel of "experts," this incredible, eye-opening extravaganza.

And let's just say it had its share of shortcomings.

In its second year, Mr. Meat Parade was held at Darcelle XV. Packed to the rafters with lookey-loos in leather, short-alls and sequined toilet rolls, the club had all the makings of Gladiator II. Except that the show had only two contestants, one of which was last year's titleholder.

That's right. Nobody wanted to get nekkid. Which is sort of a sticky situation when you have an audience of paying patrons aching for a new pecker to be crowned.

Thank god for Jason Myers.

An employee at Balloons On Broadway and one of the cast members of Triangle's upcoming Naked Boys Singing, Jason literally leapt onto the stage to become the crucially needed third contestant in this all-nude review.

Once Jason joined in, that hostess with the moistness, Poison Waters, started dragging the contestants' asses across the stage for our viewing pleasure.

As the rules demand, Mr. Nude Portland participants start fully clothed and work their way down. They're judged in four categories: formal, fantasy, striptease/dance and "erotic posing." Sharing my judging chores were Freddy's employee Chuck Cline (fighting a nasty nosebleed), Mr. Oregon Bear, drag artistes Abby and Milo and the always-delectable Darcelle.

Upon examination of the first contestant's fantasy routine, the judges concluded that Steve's performance might've been a bit too "real" (it involved a leather strap and a very sore ass). Next, we judges witnessed as last year's winner, Tre, whip-creamed the audience in a Pvt. Ben-jammin' look. He evidently planned to cap the act with some penile pyrotechnics, until Darcelle regally decreed that no "fire in the hole" endanger his/her club.

Hmmm...how do you top that?

Well, once again, raring-to-go audience member Jason came to the rescue with a rousing, whipped-up-on-the-spot Shania Twain horse-trot. With very little of the sexual foreplay and whole lot more old-fashioned chutzpah than the other candidates' performances, Jason was able to rouse quite a hot spark in the collective audience. That very special charge would hold Jason in the lead all the way through his Prince-like striptease number, as well as the final, bashful exposure of his full twig and berries.

That doesn't mean he didn't have stiff competition: Steve tried to tempt the audience in jackboots and a yellow feather boa, while Tre had everyone wondering how he painted a lily-white bullseye on his big ol' black ass. But, it was still the sweet little Jay-bird who took home the title of Mr. Nude Portland 2001.

Even if he hadn't won, though, Jason would still have been a winner to me. Not only did he pony up his prized possessions for our pithy perusal, but he also proved you don't have to be a buffed and bronze love god to look great in your birthday suit. And isn't that what true beauty is all about?

Jackie 60/Joey Arias
Any dance bunny who is jonesin' for a dose of the good stuff should check out Dante's when it transforms itself into the mother of all NYC night fêtes. Yes, Jackie 60 is coming to town for two nights, as well as drag artiste Joey Arias. This is not to be missed.

1 SW 3rd Ave., 224-8499. Joey Arias 8:30 pm, Jackie 60
10 pm Monday-Tuesday, June 4-5. $10 each per night.

Naked Boys Singing
See Jason's penis for yourself at this musical naked extravaganza.

3430 SE Belmont St., 239-5919. Show opens Thursday, June 14. $23.

Sensory Perceptions
The folks who bring you the LGBT film fest are running a June Pride series. See screen listings

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