Skip to main contentThis year's Oscars gave us one hell of a fashion hangover. Luckily, our fashionistas Elianna Bar-El and Laura Shinn (like Melissa and Joan Rivers...except good looking and not all cut up) were up for pawing through the glittery wreckage. For all of the feathered and fishtail red carpet-skimming ensembles, sculptural collars and a-symmetrical numbers, the 2007 Oscars dresses weren't much to write home about. But gawd are they fun to smack talk about. Take a look:
Tonight, Maggie Gyllenhaal has that glow about her that you usually see when a woman is pregnant or comes from a long line of rich people. I'm starting to get fucking sick of that Kewpie-doll lip thing she's got going on. Change it up! As for the dress...the cut is gorgeous, love the strapless-yet-one-sleeved thing and the ruffle detail along the hem, but the colors make me think of a bruise. Black and Blue. It's morose. And maybe she does morose on purpose to offset her overwhelming cuteness, but still. Those two colors together just don't work. LAURA SHINN.
What the hell was she thinking?? Normally Kirsten Dunst is a picture of understated, indie cool. Here she parades around in a feathered, Vegas inspired mess. ELIANNA BAR-EL.
Agreed, the Dunst is wearing the most heinous mistake. No wonder Spider Man dumped her. The shape is beautiful, a white, sheer fabric, beading, with a Peter Pan collar that looks like chiffon but could just as well be curtain fabric a la Sound of Music. Interesting deco pattern, but the skirt is generously feathered along the bottom. We're talking a 2-foot radius in a Bjork kinda way. Bad. LAURA SHINN.
Jennifer Hudson has a very classy dress on...a beautifully draped chocolate brown dress topped with a gold metallic cropped jacket with a flipped up alien-like collar. I wish I could say it works. It almost does. The chocolate with the gold...it's a great match, but EXTRAORDINARILY JARRING. Maybe she'll take it off inside. [Psst: I deemed it the Ming jacket last night—Ed. Kelly Clarke] LAURA SHINN.
Oh, JLo. Vintage-esque pale, chalky pink empire waist dress with the most AMAZING jeweled neckline. Like Elizabeth Taylor on crack. I can just see it now, "Six thousand babies had to die to decorate my dress." Her hair sucks, short and curly but it's soft, which is a good look for JLo. She still has that freak Marc Antony on her arm, and he, of course, is undead, which never works with pink. LAURA SHINN.
Wait a second...what was Jessica Biel doing at the Oscars in the first place?? Must of gotten lost on the way to the volleyball court...Regardless, yeah this Oscar de la Renta fuschia thingy is pretty and all, but not for the Oscars! Come on Biel. Plus, it totally clashes with the red carpet. Did anyone else notice that? ELIANNA BAR-EL.
Jada Pinkett Smith is sporting a great strapless dress in a non-exquisite mustard yellow. Baby shit colored, if you will. The problem with JPS is that she chooses fabulous dresses but she looks like ass in them, because she's tiny tiny tiny with enormous muscles and she just ends up looking extraordinarily masculine. Ah...somewhat...butch. Sorry. LAURA SHINN.
Okay, now WHAT is going on here? And she's up for Best Actress for the Devil Wears Prada, you would think Meryl Streep would get it together, but we guess not. ELIANNA BAR-EL.
Penelope Cruz: Fluffy, fluffy skirt, with a typically Dolce & Gabbana bodice looking a little S&M-y. So, sex on top, cream puff on bottom. Aren't we all a little of both? LAURA SHINN.
Helen Mirren is gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. How in the hell did she act like the queen? Anyway, the dress just illuminates the area around her for about a 2-foot circumference (but unlike Dunst, it's a good thing). The bodice is the kind of lace/beads over pale champagne satin that looks...naked. Like a naked dress. Like Paris Hilton's cell phone, she encrusted herself with Swarovski crystals. Very "chicks over 60" hot. LAURA SHINN.
The big story this season is the one-sleeve look. Cate Blanchett, with the exception of her ears, is literally flawless. So she can pull of anything, and this one's a risk: A form-fitting granite-grey, glittering one-sleeved number that is slim and straight all the way down. It's jewel-encrusted, especially at the bottom in a ruby-toned hue. Absolutely stunning. It's Valentino, everybody. LAURA SHINN.
This mermaid Valentino number almost works from the top, but then fights some intrepid waters toward the fins. Cameron Diaz should know that that pose (turned-in toes) is never a good look. ELIANNA BAR-EL.
Cameron Diaz = Princess Leah. 'nuff said. LAURA SHINN.
Beyonce's rockin a white dress with a jewel-encrusted single sleeve. Appropriately low-key, yet classy. Sometimes she's a little loud. LAURA SHINN.
All right already with the one-armed dresses. Kate Winslet's rocking one in a terrible color. Pale green, and it washes her out. LAURA SHINN.
I f!@#$% love this! I've never been much of a fan of Nicole Kidman's dress picks, but in this sculptural Balenciaga, I'll even admit she looks stunning. ELIANNA BAR-EL.
Kidman: A swing and a miss in my opinion. A strike, in fact. She's wearing a high-necked halter siren-red dress with an enormous bow at the back of her neck. The problem is her hair's down, and logistically, it's just bad. The hair is getting all up in the bow. Lame. LAURA SHINN.
Most often, Gwyneth Paltrow can't go wrong. At first I was a little disappointed with this nude Zac Posen ensemble. But on second (and third) glances, it mixes just the right sophisticated elegance and detail. ELIANNA BAR-EL.
Hands down the winning look of the night:
Reese Witherspoon killed it in Nina Ricci. ELIANNA BAR-EL.
She looks HOT. She's wearing extensions, with her bangs: fantastic. A strapless black gown (thank god, no one-strap business here), with a full, tiered skirt that's a bit slanted. Ryan's crying in his soup right now. LAURA SHINN.
Photos courtesy of people.com.
WWeek 2015