Almost Live: Bobcats at Blazers

Joel Przybilla in a Bobcats uniform. Weird. He's out at center court at the moment, talking to Brandon Roy and Bill Schonely, smiling and laughing. He's going to get one hell of a standing ovation tonight when he checks in for the Blazers. ---

For the folks who make the pre-game video montages, Przybilla's absence means a few less clips to choose from. They focus on chest-pounding and shot-blocking from LaMarcus and Marcus, mostly, though Gerald Wallace gets a nice double-replay of his big slam down in Sacramento the other night. Watching that dunk again, it's almost hard to describe what made it special: The elevation was good, the power with which the slam was delivered, that was nice, too, but none of it was out-of-this-world style (read: Blake Griffin-style) boomshaka-laka shit. It was special, I've concluded, because Wallace was running very, very fast en route to the hoop. That made the thing look that much harder, that much higher and that much more explosive. It was one in a handful of dunks this season that made me say "GOO!", which is what I say when I'm really excited.

FIRST QUARTER

11:39

Blazers win the tip and it's Marcus Camby with the first drive to the hoop. He's hit, finishes, roars at the crowd and holds a fist in the air. Then he bricks the free-throw, but really, who cares? Next time down the court it's Camby again. So is this the gameplan? Draw attention to the Blazers' biggest player and then let him pass out with those sweet, sweet passing mits of his?

10:20

Dante Cunningham gets a partially standing applause as he checks in for a foul-troubled Dominic McGuire. Then he's promptly dunked on by Nic Batum.

These guys seem pretty damn pumped up thus far tonight. There is screaming and flexing after almost every play. It's cool to see the energy, though I prefer the NBA over the NFL in part because the players are less fist-pumpy. Whatever gets you going, though.

7:05

All that masculinity isn't sealing the deal in the early going. The Bobs are making their shots and the Blazers are starting to slow down. Gerald Henderson hits a long, open two and the crowd starts to squirm. Nothing easy.

5:01

Haha, Andre Miller has made the fake timeout an official part of his scoring repertoire--even if he doesn't quite score this time out, leaving a follow-up bucket for Wes Matthews instead. That ties the game at 10 even. Not a pretty start, with the Blazers shooting 41 percent and the Bobcats shooting a dismal 31 percent.

4:47

Sing of the night thus far: "Bring back my celebrity husband, #10, Joel Przybilla." Dunno what it means, exactly, but I like it.

Joel, meanwhile, lumbers to midcourt and sits himself down on the floor the way one lowers himself into a particularly hot jacuzzi. Once he's down, his fists against the floor and his back straight up against the Alaska Airlines bilboard, who should come and meet him from the other bench but old teammate Brandon Roy. Roy laughs as he approaches Przybilla, who is typically dry-looking. They get a small conversation started before both players are called back to their respective benches and the Bobcats call timeout. It's like those stories of World War I soldiers meeting in the middle of the battlefield to trade rations for cigarettes. Przybilla stands up to high-five his new teammates as they leave the game.

Now officially in, the crowd starts a low-level buzz for Joel Przybilla. It quickly turns into a full-fledged standing applause, with the Blazer folks playing a quick Przybilla montage on the big screen—one replete with a face-to-face showdown with Carlos Boozer. "Thriller" plays on the PA. There he is, our celebrity husband, #10.

52.5

About a minute into his first game against the Blazers, a good percentage of Portland fans are already booing Joel Przybilla after he thwacks Gerald Wallace on the arm as Crash tries to attack the rim. That seems about right, doesn't it? I think everyone in the NBA who doesn't have Joel on their favorite team pretty much despises the guy. He's the bully you want in your corner, not the other one.

Quarter ends much as it begain—with lots of ugly missed shots and bad passes. Less chest pounding now, though. Patty and Rudy aren't big on the alpha male stuff.

SECOND QUARTER

9:05

There are a couple of zeros up on the board for the Blazers right now: Second chance points and, worse, considering their game, 3-pointers made. The team is zero for six thus far in the latter category, and it has been a regular storyline as of late. Luckily the two clubs are trying quite enthusiastically to out-slop eachother. The Bobs turn it over again with the Blazers down only four.

I have often wondered if undercover agents from visiting ballclubs might be in the crowd with high-powered air guns. From the last row of the 300 level, these expert marksmen can hit a ball as it approaches the hoop without anyone ever knowing their game.

Or maybe there are Charolette Bobcat nanobots, brought to the floor by Kwame Brown (why else would he be the starting center?) and attached to the ball before the opening tip. These flea-sized attachments are barely visible to the human eye, but when Brown twitches his nose, they are sent a wireless signal that instantaneously powers up tiny but superstrong electromagnets that tweak the arc of a net-bound ball.

The league really needs to crack down on these high-tech superweapons, don't you think? David Stern is turning a blind-eye because he hates the French and, therefore, the Blazers.

6:18

Patty Mills misses a three. The Blazers are shooting 11 percent from back there. Where are the goggles when you need 'em?

2:52

The English language holds many wonders. It twists and bends for each new generation, with new words and new inflections that owe themselves to the creative pioneering spirit of folks all over the world. One of my favorite additions to the english language is the word "Shitshow."

"Shitshow," which sprouts from long-forgotten ancestors such as "Shitcircus" and, before that, "Shitaville," is a term used to describe those occasions on which nothing is going according to plan. Or, according to Urban Dictionary, it can be used to describe a really inebriated individual:

THIRD QUARTER

Gimme a minute...

7:26

45-44 Charlotte out there at the moment. I believe they started Joel in the second half (as you can see from the photo I was a bit distracted), and he's been effective thus far as a stopper (he even had a nice half-dunk/half-layup early in the quarter).

This is the kind of team that Portland should be throttling. A star-less Bobcats club, without even tempermental scoring machine Stephen Jackson to clog up the stat pages, should be a right sitting duck. And the Blazers have clawed, bit and bear-hugged their way in to a three-point advantage (four with Wes Matthews two free-throws just now). That's not great. One wondered if Nate might switch up his starting lineup tonight, but that didn't happen. So they are living—and dying—by Nic Batum's failing three-pointer (HOLY SHIT, THERE'S ONE NOW!). And by Andre Miller's passing (he's got four tonight) and Marcus Camby's rebounding (he has 10). Those guys have something extra to prove, I think, because they're the ones who got to stay in Portland. Now they've got to show us they were worth it. All while working in new blood and old star-power.

There are a lot of doubters, and this team generally plays its best ball when the odds are stacked against them. So I've got a hunch they'll pull it together in this final stretch. Barring, of course, more of the injuries that have followed them every step of the way these past few years.

3:02

The crowd started groaning as they watched Rudy sidestep and pass on a pretty open three-pointer. The roaning ended when he ran around the horn and kicked to an open Patty Mills for the swish. The Swisher Sweet, as I've been calling them.

1:46

Patty hits again. And next time up he jets to the hole before flinging the ball at missle-speed towards Rudy. Rudy, however, is asleep on the job. Shoulda taken the "non-drowsy" meds, Rudy. I don't know how to write that in Spanish...

FOURTH QUARTER

I just left RJDJ on record for a couple minutes and posted it online here. What does it sound like??

WWeek 2015