We've reached the Elite Eight—last stop before greatness. But this week, we want to change it up a little bit. We've been pitting these mayoral candidates against each other, but do we really know who they are? Before you vote, an introduction.
Jody Stahancyk won her first divorce case when she was 17 years old, getting Martin Sheen to admit on the stand that he had sought succor in the arms of a drag queen named Giggles McGee. She has not appeared in court since, but has instead sent a series of high-paid proxies in her place, along with a Singing Balloon-o-gram for the judge. This has been a highly effective strategy. She has never lost in any contest, and is an especially vicious Chutes and Ladders competitor. She once made Greg Goodman cry in a three-night game of Balderdash.
Jack Bogdanski dislikes Eileen Brady, Jefferson Smith, Charlie Hales, streetcars, curbside recycling, Sam Adams, soccer, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Willamette Week, The Oregonian, The Portland Mercury, dogs that poop in places that he did not specifically mention they could poop, hipsters, hippies, hepcats, nukes, food carts, tax dodgers, anyone who ever shook the filthy hand of Neil Goldschmidt, conspiracies, silliness, LEED certification, nonsense, talking in class, protesters, fire boats, public toilets, bicycle races and tomfoolery. He enjoys Hawaii.
13. Jody Stahancyk, Fearsome divorce lawyer 3. Jack Bogdanski, Breaking-news blogger