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Welcome to Haute-N-Ready, in which John Locanthi, Willamette Weekâs trencherman of leisure, tastes the hastily made, modestly priced food of the common man.
Haute-N-Ready
itâs not good, everything is covered in a saccharine syrup, itâs better viewed as a laxative than an actual meal
No, the problem is that Chinese-American food is boring.
Taco Bell made a taco shell out of a waffle. Little Caesarâs wrapped bacon around a Hot-N-Ready. Subway made the flatizza. Whereas, Panda Express is the place where you ask the server what the âChefâs Specialâ is and she informs you that it is sweet and sour chicken. The creativity simply isnât there. And why need it be when Panda Express routinely boasts the longest lines in mall food courts across the nation? The people seem to like egg rolls, chow mein and sugar chicken, and there is a dearth of competition in the national Chinese-ish food arena.
I know not why Panda Express added Chinese spare ribs to their menu, but Haute-N-Ready fully supports the chainâs courage. Thereâs a temptation to hop on the breakfast bandwagon or take a dip in the sriracha slough, but Panda resisted. Instead itâs offering ribs. Like, real ribs. With bones and everything.
The meat is tender. It does not âfall right off the bone,â to use a tired cliché; the pork breaks cleanly from the bone with minimal effort. These spare ribs are, alas, still covered in a sweet sauceâlest you forget, this is still Panda Expressâbut it is less pronounced than in the house orange chicken. Not terrible. Not great. While the kung pao chicken will remain my go-to should I ever be trapped in a food court where every non-Panda Express restaurant is closed, these Chinese spare ribs might be my third or even second choice.
Therein lies the rub. [See what I did there?] These ribs are interesting, but they arenât that interesting. Fast food writers might be a little curious. Or maybe they would be if Taco Bell hadnât just released the Biscuit Taco or Panera recently assembled a series of artisanal buzzwords turned into another plate, like the Lentil Quinoa Bowl with Cage-Free Egg. Instead, Panda must hope that handing out free samples to every patronâas they were when I dined thereâand word of mouth will be enough. And pray that for once a customer set foot inside Panda Express for something other than orange chicken, chow mein and an egg roll.
Taco Bell made a taco shell out of a waffle. Little Caesarâs wrapped bacon around a Hot-N-Ready. Subway made the flatizza. Whereas, Panda Express is the place where you ask the server what the âChefâs Specialâ is and she informs you that it is sweet and sour chicken. The creativity simply isnât there. And why need it be when Panda Express routinely boasts the longest lines in mall food courts across the nation? The people seem to like egg rolls, chow mein and sugar chicken, and there is a dearth of competition in the national Chinese-ish food arena.
I know not why Panda Express added Chinese spare ribs to their menu, but Haute-N-Ready fully supports the chainâs courage. Thereâs a temptation to hop on the breakfast bandwagon or take a dip in the sriracha slough, but Panda resisted. Instead itâs offering ribs. Like, real ribs. With bones and everything.
The meat is tender. It does not âfall right off the bone,â to use a tired cliché; the pork breaks cleanly from the bone with minimal effort. These spare ribs are, alas, still covered in a sweet sauceâlest you forget, this is still Panda Expressâbut it is less pronounced than in the house orange chicken. Not terrible. Not great. While the kung pao chicken will remain my go-to should I ever be trapped in a food court where every non-Panda Express restaurant is closed, these Chinese spare ribs might be my third or even second choice.
Therein lies the rub. [See what I did there?] These ribs are interesting, but they arenât that interesting. Fast food writers might be a little curious. Or maybe they would be if Taco Bell hadnât just released the Biscuit Taco or Panera recently assembled a series of artisanal buzzwords turned into another plate, like the Lentil Quinoa Bowl with Cage-Free Egg. Instead, Panda must hope that handing out free samples to every patronâas they were when I dined thereâand word of mouth will be enough. And pray that for once a customer set foot inside Panda Express for something other than orange chicken, chow mein and an egg roll.
I like to think of myself as a food writer first, hand model second.
WWeek 2015