WWeed Grow-Off Week 8

On July 1, recreational weed became legal in Oregon. One of the things that means is that everyone can now legally grow up to four marijuana plants. Here at Willamette Week, we were so excited that we decided to have an old-fashioned office grow-off. All of our plants started the same size and they are all the P-91 strain, but each department elected to grow its plants in different ways.

See previous installments of our weed growing journey here.

Art: Oscar

Like the kid who walks into class in third grade with a backpack full of nudie mags, Oscar has launched into a tragically premature sexuality. The wispy white tendrils on this branch are called "sugar leaves" and are part of the female cannabis reproductive organs, which Oscar has greedily set out in spite of his young age and diminutive stature. (Hopefully no one will quibble about the apparent contradiction between Oscar's gender and sex organs in this enlightened age.) His need for parental attention has transposed itself into a quest for sexual attention. We can only hope he avoids parenthood himself, at least until he matures substantially.

News: Reggie

All local magistrates and social workers should consider this formal evidence of neglect on the part of the News department. Apparently, the News interns are totally unconcerned by the substantial leaf damage incurred by aphids and the sodden, fetid soil Reggie’s poor roots must endure. One News intern even admitted that she had left for a week and “wasn’t sure” how Reggie was doing. It might not be a coincidence that the News reporters keep a bottle of scotch on the cubicle divider. 

Sales: Bootsy

With a frame more like a spindly young avocado tree than a bushy cannabis plant, Bootsy is tall, but her demeanor is not particularly serious. She seems happy with her life. If loafing can be a stationary activity, Bootsy is the queen of it. Sales makes sure to water Bootsy regularly, and even rotates her to ensure more even exposure to the skylight. One can imagine Bootsy near, if not on, a surfboard.

Accounting: Addi

Ignore the strange lighting conditions which give the impression of incarceration. Bootsy has grown wild and free, a major star among the office weed plants. Let's hope, however, she doesn't follow the arc of Greg Oden, the effigy of whom presides over her in the closet. The big ones often have weak knees, Sales team, and the season isn't over yet. 

Events: Liz

Failing a career in event organization, it’s become apparent that every member of the Events department could have a stunning career in venture capitalism. Just look at their behemoth plant Liz. The Events department pursued commercial sponsorship for their plant’s nutrients as well as some of their grow equipment, and an emergency infusion of their own capital (a sum which would be vulgar to mention here) has ensured their dominance in this “friendly” office competition. They’ve tried to keep the specific figures of the their efforts secret, but I caught glance of a whiteboard that appeared to chart growth patterns, return on investment predictions, listed investors, and other crucial capitalist metrics before they were able to throw a blanket over it when I entered the room. Not only are they the favorite on the The Motley Fool and Charles Schwab for winning the office competition, they’re also predicted to turn a profit in their first season with the fruit of their plant. 

Arts & Culture: Candis

Candis' foliage has grown dense and healthy under God's sunlight, like farm kids in the Midwest. Or rather, what farm kids in the Midwest were like 50 years ago before all American farm production was controlled by $500,000 Roombas. Having no shortage of sun so far this summer, our main challenge has been keeping Candis sufficiently hydrated. Any rain is always immediately transformed into a fresh burst of foliage. A handsome gal, Candis is.

WWeek 2015