What to Smoke During Election Week, No Matter What Happens

If your vibe is “half the damn country voted by mail already, what the crap is taking so long?” consider taking a gram of RGM straight to the face.

This year feels like it's been a whole era.

Maybe make this post-election week all about self-care before reconstruction. Because whatever happens electionwise, we still have so much work to do communitywise. Once we've nursed ourselves back to baseline, we can at least fractionally remove our gaze from these crusty old white men and double down on building a better Oregon for everyone.

Here are our suggestions for your election week stash box:

If Biden Wins: Black Sheep 

Best-case scenario, America catches a quick rebound with Mr. Nice Grandpa, before rediscovering her true value and letting herself be led by strong competent women of color and Indigenous communities. Let's enjoy this sojourn between trauma and rehabilitation while the nation begins its global apology tour.

Grassroots changemakers on the front lines should indulge in both the introspective and invigorating effects of sativa hybrid Black Sheep before getting back to work. Black Sheep's lineage includes Lambsbreath, Jack Black, Cindy 88, and Grape Ape, but the cultivar's effects are singularly its own. The silky head high is a thinker's delight, and the body high is sparkling with warm tranquility, but effects may vary. The terpene profile is dominated by myrcene, bringing a soft calm to an otherwise cerebral sativa high.

Get it from: Fidus PDX, 7501 SW Capitol Highway, 503-889-0682.
If Trump Wins: Obama Kush

At Thanksgiving dinner four years ago, I barely got one disparaging word out about the forthcoming presidency before I was met with a gust of long-lashed, auntie eye-rolls and a chorus of  "Child, we've been through it before, we'll get through it again, you better count your blessings and eat this food."

It was an intergenerational shading that, had I not been astronomically high on Obama Kush, might have gone over my head.  On this day, I offer the same wisdom my aunties delivered to me four years ago: Child, we've been through it before, we'll get through it again, count these blessings and smoke this weed.

Obama Kush is a euphoric, relaxing strain with a thread of uplifting pep that makes it therapeutically popular for managing anxiety and depression. The terpene profile is led by caryophyllene and limonene, a balance of brisk clarity and soothing relief that's peppery in the nose and lemony on the exhale.

Get it from: Club Sky High, 8975 N Lombard St., 503-719-580, clubskyhigh.net.

If the Results Are Still Being Tabulated: Roasted Garlic Margy

If your vibe is "half the damn country voted by mail already, what the crap is taking so long?" consider taking a gram of RGM straight to the face. Roasted Garlic Margy is a strain that will humor your unavoidable vexation by shaking the sweaty crap out of you with a manic onset before chilling you the heck out with a classically stony high. Yes, the high begins with a boiling swoon, but it quickly simmers into a kind of cushy relaxation in both mind and body. When the ballots are still being counted, what else is there to do besides get high and unlax?

This memorably named cross of GMO and Frozen Margy is a wild noseful of funk—think mee-maw's week-old pot roast misted with diesel and foot cheese—that somehow belies a refreshing, minty-pine exhale. Despite the aggressive perfume, the high is velvety and sedate.

And if you're really into a rowdy cacophony of aromas, roll this into a flavored blunt wrap. Your taste buds/nose buds will be so confused it'll be the perfect distraction from doom scrolling Twitter for updated vote counts.

Get it from: ReLeaf Health, 3213 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 971-255-1447, releafhealth.green.

If the Results Are Contested: LA Kush Cake

What you're going to need in this case is something that will tranquilize your rage vibes enough to keep you from kicking a hole in your smart TV or throwing your phone in the river. One way to extinguish the helpless exasperation wrought by the audacity of papery, xenophobic rapists is to (1) double-lock all your doors, (2) play some Sade or Enya, and (3) pack several consecutive bowls of LA Kush Cake.

This cultivar brings together two popular strains, Wedding Cake and Kush Mints, to produce a creeper that eases its users slowly into complacency, rather than all at once or after a choppy onset. The nose is anchored in earthy suggestions of vanilla and dry wood, and the exhale leaves a lingering sheen of minty linalool behind. The lineage of LA Kush Cake suggests a deep, couch-lock type of relaxation, and if you're snuggled into a davenport with a comfort box of Crunch and Munch, you're probably not going to unlodge yourself just to rage stomp your laptop.

Get it from: Serra, 2519 SE Belmont St., 971-544-7055, shopserra.com.
If Everybody Dies and Kamala Takes It All: Nigerian Silver

There are a bunch of old men running around the White House during a respiratory pandemic. It's not too outrageous to think that maybe the oldest, grossest or most nefarious of them might not make it out of this dumpster-fire election alive. If the universe somehow finds us coming out of this terror year with our first Black female president, Nigerian Silver is the celebratory strain for the occasion.

Nigerian Silver is a sativa-dominant hybrid with a hot euphoric streak and a pulsating body high. The effects build gradually to a jubilant peak, along the way fueling energetic creativity and psychedelic deep thinking. The nose is all berries and diesel, a terp profile that features sunny ocimene and a deliciously gassy expression of myrcene.

Get it from: Budding Culture, 6802 NE Broadway, 503-719-6192, buddingculturepdx.com.