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The Stoner’s Guide to Labor Day

Cannabinoid therapy can assuage symptoms associated with capitalism, including, but not limited to, unfocused frustration, a bleak outlook, and even debtors’ malaise.

If the economic climate is any indication, Labor Day isn’t quite fulfilling its intended purpose.

It’s hardly news that workers are not feeling particularly valued, and no peppering of three-day weekends is going to keep our society’s pendulum from swinging away from unchecked CEO bullshittery and straight into the cushy vibes of liberation. But while we’re still riding through the exploitation gauntlet, let’s at least get rip-roaring stoned about it.

For employed cannathusiasts across the county, there are so many fun canna-products to explore—not just for Labor Day, but for any day you’re just trying to vibe on the job. The adage is true; boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I get high on company time. But even if astro traveling on the clock is not your cup of tea, cannabinoid therapy can still assuage the most common symptoms associated with capitalism, including, but not limited to, unfocused frustration, a bleak outlook, and even debtors’ malaise.

Let’s shake things up this Labor Day and celebrate not just our own worth as workers, but everyone else’s as well. And then let’s get really high (or lightly mellowed out) and manifest some free-market humanity already.

For Deskbound Chocophile Cookie Monsters: Hapy Kitchen Chocolate Supreme Cookie

Hapy Kitchen’s latest drop is a strain-specific, double-chocolate, resin-perfumed baked good that’s as good for clock watching as it is for leisure time. This cookie delivers a fresh-out-the-oven pliability that borderline melted in my mouth, and a rich complex flavor profile that laces funky skunk with rich, velvety chocolate. The high is a familiar iteration of Blue Dream, grounded yet spacey in the head and gently bouncy in the body, so plan accordingly depending on how your system responds to this particular hybrid.

Get it from: Gram Central Station, 6430 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 503-284-6714.

For Focused CBD Enthusiasts With Psychedelic Sensibilities: Telescope Sunset Sorbet Gummies

Developed by EDM entrepreneur GRiZ, Telescope features full-spectrum CBD goodies with deliberate terpene profiles that uplift and invigorate. The gummies are stellar expressions of a straightforward 10-to-1 CBD-THC edible, with expected dustings of cane sugar, rich berry hues, and the firm chew of a Parisian pastille. The throwback, Summer of Love-style branding further crystallizes this brand’s POV as a CBD gummy for folks who appreciate both an antique bohemian vibe and a thoroughly contemporary cannabis edible.

Get it from: telescopecbd.com

For Nature Stoners Playing Hooky From Work: Mule Kicker Gummies Tropical Tango

What better way to skeeve off another futile workday than by escaping into the wild out of doors to ponder what life would be like if we never evolved out of puddles in the first place? One good edible can make that train of thought a celebration rather than an existential crisis, and Mule’s gummies are consistently up to the task. Mule’s Kicker gummies are dependably potent and easily shareable chunks of firm confectionery goodness in unique flavors like Melon, Cranberry-White Grape and Raspberry Pomegranate. These candies are also strain specific, so consumers can tailor their highs to take them right where they want to go whether that’s to work, to the woods, or straight to sleep.

Get it from: Weedland, 4027 N Interstate Ave., 541-904-0000.

For Gentle Dissociation:Lazarus Naturals 1:1 CBG:CBD Tincture

If you haven’t worked through a Labor Day, have you ever worked at all? I personally have worked through several and, after the first few, decided the only way to make sense of clocking in on such a holiday was to be high out of my mind the entire time. For those who sympathize but would rather not muddle through a workday buzzing louder than a moped gang, Portland’s own Lazarus Naturals produces a CBG-CBD tincture that uplifts and smooths rough edges without numbing or disorienting users. This flavorless tincture is a great addition to a daily wellness routine, but also an efficient panacea to keep in your desk drawer, apron pocket, glove compartment, etc.

Get it from: lazarusnaturals.com

For Big-Time Dissociation:Major Pacific Coast Blue Raspberry Drink

One 6.7-ounce bottle of Major’s Blue Raspberry beverage contains 50 mg of THC; easily gulpable for varsity stoners, but even novice THC users can get in on the fun of this potent turquoise liquid. An all-day microdosing scenario that involves diluting the fruit drink is a solid way to experience what might otherwise be a swoon-worthy high, but even clandestine sips throughout the day can offer mood boosts that can develop into a high that’s functionally detached. For the public-facing workforce, this could be the discreet product that keeps your smile fixed and your head in the clouds all shift long.

Get it from: Chalice Farms, 823 SW Naito Parkway,503-501-4612, chalicefarms.com.

For Happy Hour 2.0:Evolvd CO2 Extract-Infused Pre-roll

Sipping bourbon and commiserating after clock-out is an enduring tradition, but the new Oregon upgrade swaps pretentious mixology for pre-rolls powerful enough to KO every whiskey-sipping suit at the bar. Evolvd’s CO2-infused offerings, for example, pair premium flower with commensurate extracts to deliver an infused drink that will make the workday melt away so fast you’ll forget why you wanted to smack talk Karen in HR in the first place. And frankly, I’d rather hear stoned ramblings than work talk any day. Pro tip: Fancy cigarette extenders make great personal joint holders when you want an authentic pass-around moment.

Get it from: Serra, 220 SW 1st Ave., 971-279-5613, shopserra.com,

For Celebrating Your Worth:Viola Huckleberry Pie Live Sugar

In a world that forces us to commodify ourselves to survive, creating reminders that we are worthy just by the nature of our existence can be challenging. Getting super-duper high on dabs helps, though, and Viola makes some really great dabs. In fact, Viola’s Huckleberry Pie is a BHO extract with a honeyed constitution and a bright, grassy exhale that power-washes away the claustrophobic clouds of self doubt and anxiety upon activation. Whether celebrating your worth, shaking off the doldrums, or organizing workers in your field to reclaim the means of production, Viola’s dabs deliver the high to make it happen.

Get it from: Green Muse, 5515 NE 16th Ave.,971-420-4917, gogreenmuse.com.