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A Stoner Witch’s Guide to Halloween

Tap into your inner reefer conjurer with these bewitching cannabis products.

If you’re looking for some radically indulgent ways to celebrate Halloween, just ask your nearest certified stoner witch.

For example, my own contemporary forest witch/ocean sorceress/cosmic enchantress stash box is stocked for a Halloween celebration that will include ceremonial CBD bathing, goblets full of acid-bright THC elixirs, and 24-karat gold joints. Black candles, weed-scented incense and a stream of sexy, sparkly vampire movies anticipated but not required.

This year’s Halloween vibe may be more crystal-ball-bong-gazing-in-the-bathtub than dusk-to-dawn-broomstick-rides-with-strangers, but you can still tap into your inner reefer conjurer with these bewitching cannabis products, endorsed by my own inner mystical high (AF) priestess.


Major’s Blue Raspberry

Major’s 50 mg Blue Raspberry THC fruit drink is a shocking shade of blue. On first impression, it’s hard not to consider it a cartoon poison. The ultramarine drink tastes like party punch and, when mixed with soda water, loosens up into a more mature-tasting—less sweet—canna-beverage. The body and head effects Major’s Blue Raspberry delivers are fast acting and euphoric but, if sipped over the course of several hours, can be mellowed to mild, microdose-esque waves.

Get it from: Chalice Farms, 13315 NE Airport Way, 503-477-7626, chalicefarms.com.


Spirit of the Bayou 200 mg CBD Bath Bomb

Unlike drugstore or boutique bath bombs, Swamp Queen’s contribution to the Halloween experience brings an authentically swampy but spellbinding point of view. That’s because this bomb literally smells like a swamp witch’s cottage, covered in wet, mossy earth. Those who prefer a flowery, manufactured perfume from a bomb-infused tub might cringe at first whiff of this slime-green bath treatment, but as the bomb dissolves—and the curious colors shift from acid green to a deep forest—the densely botanical scent untangles into something woody, grassy and somehow sweet—though still decidedly swampy. After sampling, I emerged from this shocking green bath supple, relaxed and rich with a fresh, misty-morning swamp cologne. Pro tip: Smelling like Swamp Thing as you hand out Halloween candy will solidify your reputation as the neighborhood witch.

Get it from: kushqueen.shop


Wu-Tang x Shine 24K Gold Rolling Papers

These gilded rolling papers are dusted with edible 24-karat gold that clings to ash—rather than combusting into smoke—and as such are reserved for only the most extravagant of luxury witches/Wu-Tang fans. They’re available as standard rolling papers, cones and even golden tobacco leaf blunt wrappers, but all are formulated with a hemp paper base. Shine’s product line not only deftly balances function and fashion, its flashy ostentatiousness delivers the same kind of self-love magic we get from buying ourselves promise rings, tennis bracelets or large bags of marked-down Halloween candy. Bonus points if you smoke your pre-rolls in a swamp-themed spa bath and materialize from your boudoir smelling like stank weed, a magical bog and hot gold.

Get them from: shinerollingpapers.com


Honu Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups

Even for the most committed of stoner witches, the classic Halloween is impossible without some measure of chocolate snackery. Thankfully, there’s plenty of medicated chocolate in Oregon, including Honu’s slick effigy to the checkout-line impulse buy Reese’s Cup. Pro tip for the ambitious Halloween stoner: Squish these into a s’mores to experience the best of the season in one greasy mouthful.

Get it from: Belmont Collective, 2036 SE Belmont St., 503-477-8953 belmontcollective.com.


Mule Extracts Twilight 1:1 THC-CBN Gummies

Known for its firm, thoughtfully flavored THC gummies, Mule Extracts recently launched a sleepytime variation featuring the alternative cannabinoid CBN, aptly named Twilight. These gummies deliver a 1-to-1 50 mg cannabinoid ratio of THC and CBN in a cherry chamomile-flavored package. If an evening of relaxing swamp baths, neon blue elixirs and 24-karat gold joints haven’t yet ushered you off to a restful All Hallows’ Eve slumber, this gummy can be the metaphorical nail in your figurative Halloween sarcophagus (i.e., your bed).

Get it from: Gram Central Station, 6430 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 503-284-6714.