My Butt Wiping Days Are Over.

Bidets are the best. Just ask comedian Jake Silberman.

This is an article about butt stuff. Not that butt stuff. The other kind, the bathroom kind. For my entire life, using the toilet meant sitting down, doing your business then following up with a wipe. At some point cell phones became a thing and you'd sit for longer, but the going and wiping didn't really change. Until I tried… a Whisper bidet.

For those not in the know, which included me until about a week ago, a bidet is the revolutionary idea that cleaning your butt should involve less of you sticking a piece of dead tree between your cheeks and more like a shower for your tush. It's a french word, which makes it sound elegant and classy, and perhaps is the reason it's been slow to take off in the States. Had it been named the Freedom Faucet, I'm sure it would have found a much easier time with Americans, but essentially a bidet is just a stream of water used to clean your butt.

The way we clean up after dropping a deuce makes absolutely no sense. You take a full body shower after a light sweat but after using the bathroom we're all ok with wiping with what amounts to a rough and slightly thicker tissue. The bidet left me feeling truly cleaner and refreshed. After you're done doing your business, simply turn the dial to feel a personal waterpark clean you down, dab dry, and you're done. It really feels like I've been let into a secret butt cleaning club and let me tell you, It's amazing what a clean ass will do for your outlook on life. The birds chirp louder, music flows out of windows and your tuchus feels like a newborn's.

At first glance, a bidet can be a bit intimidating. I was worried about having to do a ton of plumbing and attachments, which is well out of my comfort zone, even for someone willing to write an article about pooping. Like all good Portlanders, I looked for something local, and just like food, beer and weed, we have our very own bidet company, Whisper Bidets.

Whisper comes in a sleek box with simple and easy to understand instructions for a quick installation. It works with your existing toilet, so no need to worry about some complicated system. The installation is quite simple and took me about 15 minutes to set up.

Sitting down on the bidet is stepping, or rather squatting, into the future. With a cool stream of water pointed directly at my butt, I became a man of class and sophistication. During the peak of the pandemic, we saw people get into fist fights over the last remaining toilet paper like it was a Black Friday sale for Tickle Me Elmo. With a bidet, you use about 80% less toilet paper, which is better for the planet, your wallet and avoiding those "my girlfriend is coming over and I'm out of toilet paper" grocery store runs.

So ditch your old life of endless wiping that never leaves you satisfied and get a bidet, because life is challenging enough, you should at least take it on with a clean butt. Snag one from Whisper Bidets, and enter promo code BUTTCLUB for 10% Off + Free Shipping.

This content was paid for by Whisper Bidets.