Where to Spend New Year's Eve in Portland

Stay clear of the big hotel parties. Do one of these things instead.

New Year's Eve 80s Video Dance Attack

Thank God there's an Instagram filter to go over that photo of your leg warmers. Instead of looking to the future, celebrate the new year by looking 30 years in the past, when we had Trump and Madonna instead of Trump and Miley, and people actually liked the Police. Are we better or worse off? Who knows? Anyway, fuck the Police. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th Ave., 248-4700, startheaterportland.com. 9 pm. $25. 21+.

Speakeasy Cocktail Party

Oregon doesn't even have a prohibition on pot anymore, much less alcohol. So why go back to the days when you could only get drunk in secret? Well, in part because the $50 ticket includes Prohibition-style cocktails from one of the better tenders in the city, Brandon Lockman. You can probably make it well worth your $50 before midnight. Red Star Tavern, 503 SW Alder St., 222-0005, redstartavern.com. 8 pm. $50, sold out, but new tickets being released Dec. 26. 21+.

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Battle of the Decades

What was the best decade for music? Not the one you actually lived through, obviously. Members of Sleater-Kinney, Unwound, Hazel and other Pacific Northwest luminaries settle the debate once and for all, splitting off into four bands representing the hits of the '50, '60s, '70s and '80s. But no '90s, because everyone can agree it sucked pretty hard. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water Ave., 328-2865, bunksandwiches.com/shows. 9:30 pm. $15. 21+.

Brew Year's Eve

Dust off your leather pants and awkwardly bang your head in your plush seat to three '80s metal tribute bands booked by 105.9 the Brew: Appetite for Deception (Guns n Roses), Motorbreath (Metallica) and Sacred Heart (Dio). And don't worry about that sweet child of yours—minors are allowed in with a guardian. That might not sound very rock 'n' roll, but neither does paying a babysitter. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 234-9694, aladdin-theater.com. 8 pm. $30 advance, $40 at the door.

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Dwarves, Lord Dying, Gaytheist

In a year where the debate over "political correctness" returned to the national dialogue, it's appropriate that Dwarves gets the final word. Most of them will be "fuck." The gleefully tasteless shock-punk troupe is promising to close out 2015 by playing its 1990 masterpiece of trash, Blood Guts & Pussy, in its entirety—all 14 disgusting minutes of it. Dante's, 350 W Burnside St., 226-6630, danteslive.com. 9 pm. $15. 21+.

#Supportland with MUST DIE! and Henry Fong

Maybe the cool-hunters have left the trap scene. But not you, man. Leave that feel-good Henry Fong electro-house to the kids upstairs, because you're gonna arm-dance the fuck outta that MUST DIE! set, like Marcel Marceau with an anger management problem. Euphoria Nightclub, 315 SE 3rd Ave. 9 pm. $25-$40. 21+.

New Year's Eve Party Cruise

There's maybe nothing better than going to a party that you aren't allowed to leave. But if you can handle the possibility of being seasick on light hors d'oeuvres to the sounds of a live Americana band—and maybe being trapped on a boat with a Tinder date you never messaged back—then all aboard the Portland Spirit. Salmon Street Springs, 1000 SW Naito Parkway, 224-3900, portlandspirit.com. 10 pm-1 am. $100. 21+.

BarFly Bus + Ball

Hop on the less fucked-up cousin of the Merry Pranksters' Further bus. Instead of tripping on acid, you'll embark on a bar crawl culminating at the Bossonova Ballroom. You're either on the bus or you're off the bus, but in this case, being off the bus means you're probably in a surge-priced Uber being driven around by some 28-year-old named Jake. barflybus.com, info@barflypdx.com. 7 pm-4 am. Bus + Ball $30-$45, Ball only $25-$35, instructions follow ticket. 23+.

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Mt. Hood Skibowl

Skibowl calls this the "biggest party on Mount Hood," which may or may not be true, but it's definitely the only one with a sumo wrestling competition, which ignites a whole set of questions and concerns for us…. Anyway, with a "torch light parade," two firework displays and "winter fun games," Skibowl is starting to sound more like a less-diverse Olympic Village than a venue for cosmic sledding until midnight. Mt. Hood Skibowl, 87000 U.S. 26 Government Camp, 272-3206, skibowl.com. 7 pm-2 am.

First Run 2016

Your first seconds of 2016 could be spent breathing heavily from either Champagne heaves or a 10k run. We're not going to tell you which one will make you feel worse. One World Trade Center, 121 SW Salmon St., aasportsltd.com/firstrun. Celebration starts at 10 pm, run starts at midnight. $45 in advance, $50 day of race.

Lumbertwink

In a dance party that will also look a lot like a celebration lap for Timbers fans, hundreds of burly men in plaid and beards and union suits will descend on the Funhouse for…well…fun. Expect plenty of photo booth action. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., 841-6734, funhouselounge.com. 9 pm-2 am. $8. 21+.

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Dune Rave

The DJs behind Vendetta queer night Stranger Disco will be weirding up Service, a fashion-forward, concrete-bunkered house of beats and art on Northeast Glisan Street. Cover's only $10, but the bar's cash only, so bring skrilla, and—in the words of the organizers—"manage your own triggers." Service, 2319 NE Glisan St, 971-267-9269, servicepdx.com. 10 pm-4 am. $10. 21+.

DJ Anjali & The Incredible Kid

This night is pretty much a Portland monument: For the 15th year in a row, DJs Anjali and the Incredible Kid will mash up Bhangra and Latin rhythms into a danceable stew. Melody Ballroom, 615 SE Alder St., 232-2759, themelodyballroom.org. 9 pm-3 am. $27.50 advance, $35 at the door. 21+.

Jai Ho! Bollywood New Year's Eve

In the past five years, DJ Prashant has proved there's plenty of room for two different Bollywood-accented nights—which we'll gladly welcome on New Year's in the battle against overpriced soft-funk bands. Light-up hula hoops, dance lessons, Bhangra percussion and Champagne? Jai Ho! Or, translated, let there be victory. Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE César E. Chávez Blvd., 493-1128, hawthornetheatre.com. 8 pm-2 am. $27.50 advance, $35 day of show, $40 at the door. 21+.

Weinland NYE Supergroup with Liz Vice

The annual cover-song megajam graduates from Doug Fir to the Wonder, but despite the bigger stage, the concept remains the same. Expect a loaded guest list and plenty of karaoke favorites. Gospel-soul singer Liz Vice opens, offering one last opportunity to wash away your sins before piling them back up again. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686, wonderballroom.com. 8 pm. $25 advance, $28 at the door. 21+.

Chanti Darling, Ancient Heat, Shy Girls (DJ set), DJ Nathan Detroit, DJ Ben Tactic, DJ Bobby D

Future-soul chanteuse Natasha Kmeto didn't just release one of Portland's best albums of the year, she's also hooking up on the side with one of the better collections of musicians in the city. To form Chanti Darling, Magic Mouth's Chanticleer Tru has brought together Kmeto, producer Damon Boucher, drummer Hannah Billie of the Gossip and Rebecca Cole of the Minders to cook up slinky after-hours R&B. Some people stumble headlong into the new year. If you'd rather glide, this is your show. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639, holocene.org. 8 pm. $17 advance, $20 at the door. 21+.s

Pink Martini

Thomas Lauderdale! China Forbes! Storm Large! The von Trapps! NPR's Ari Shapiro! Rita Moreno! Your mom's gonna love it! Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335, portland5.com. 7 pm and 10:30 pm. $37-$98. All ages.

Curious Comedy Extravaganza

Standup comedy, improv and…aerial arts. We don't know if the last one is a joke or not. Tickets include desserts and a Champagne toast. Curious Comedy, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 447-9477, curiouscomedy.org. 8 pm. $60 advance, $75 at the door. 100 tickets available.

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InspireTruth New Year's Eve Celebration

InspireTruth is a vaguely spiritual rave marketed with every PLUR buzzword from "family reunion" to "transformation." Why you'd pay upward of $100 to take molly and try not to bump into an Etruscan vase is beyond us. But go ahead and celebrate with people who described the lineup as "the danciest" and who brag about giving away free "spring water." Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., nye-inspire.me. 9 pm-4:30 am. $108 general admission, $171 VIP. 21+.

Magic Sword, Minden, Foul Weather

With lightsabers back in vogue, it's a good time to be Magic Sword, two masked druids from the planet Boise whose music sounds like Daft Punk scoring an '80s sci-fi epic. If you haven't yet scored tickets to The Force Awakens, their neon-lit live show—which replaces glow sticks with glowing toy swords—is the next best thing. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663, dougfirlounge.com. 9 pm. $15 advance, $20 at the door. 21+.

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