Drinks Consumed Yesterday:
4 ounces of Bulleit.
12 ounces of Stone IPA.
16 ounces of Olympia.
16 ounces of Budweiser.
16 ounces of Fort George 1811 Lager.
16 ounces of Commons Farmhouse Ale.
24 ounces of Burnside Bourbon and ginger ale.
80 ounces of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
5:39 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Dan Harmon: “I walked on the stage and started crying. I’m crying because I’m drunk, not because this is important.”
5:42 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Dan Harmon: “You have to be a strip club enthusiast to go to any strip club. You don’t but a Legos set if you’re not a Legos enthusiast.”
5:52 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Dan Harmon: “Maybe I’m homophobic, or maybe I’m homo...homodoolittle. I wanted them to be happy!”
5:52 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Jeff Davis (to Dan Harmon): “You’re anti-book? That’s a weird platform.”
6:28 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Dan Harmon (quoting two panhandlers he’d just met downtown, after already giving his cash to another woman): “‘We’re crackheads. We’re homeless. Be really choosy around here.’”
6:28 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Erin McGathy: “Every young girl at some point thinks her clitoris is a tiny hat.”
6:28 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Spencer Crittenden: “I saw a dolphin in the river today.” (Audience: “No you didn’t!”) “What was it?” (Audience: “A sea lion!”) “Whatever, that’s just as magnificent.”
7:14 pm. Eagles Lodge. Tanner Hodgeson: “Here’s a life hack for you guys: If you ever need to get your entire T-shirt and counter wet, wash a spoon.”
7:19 pm. Eagles Lodge. Tanner Hodgeson: “Sometimes I worry that people look at us and assume we have bad sex. Like, ‘I bet that’s a big pile of elbows at night.’”
7:26 pm. Eagles Lodge. Bob Khosravi: “So don’t panic, it’s totally normal. You’re not going to love your child for a while.”
7:32 pm. Eagles Lodge. Opeyemi Olagbaju: “As you can probably tell by my fascination with highlighters, I am single.”
7:38 pm. Eagles Lodge. Katherine Williams: “Like, I’m not stone cold single...that’s my wrestling name.”
7:40 pm. Eagles Lodge. Katherine Williams: “And my boyfriend was like ‘You’re crazy, it’s a sexual fantasy, you can do whatever you want.’ And I was like ‘Well, in my sexual fantasy, I’m not there.’”
8:33 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Matt Kirshen: “Comedians are shufflers. We shuffle onto stage. Our words have the athleticism our bodies lack.”
8:40 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Matt Kirshen: “Jesus was a carpenter. There must have been a point where he was like, I’m dying, but that’s a fucking good joint.”
8:41 pm. White Owl Social Club. Ryan Singer: “I think I just want to be a dad—that’s the coolest name in the world to me. Dad. I’m going to have a son and I’m going to name him ‘Dad.’ Then I’m going to have a daughter and I’m going to name her ‘mom.’ Why would I do that? It’s simple, then I can tell my mom and dad what to do for the rest of my life.”
8:54 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Sean Patton (in response to “Oregonnerhea” prompt): “Words are just like Legos. Build whatever you want.”
9:01 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Kristine Levine: “First off, I want to say something to the stupid fucking cunt who talked shit to me in the bathroom while I was trying to take a shit. I didn’t say anything about how bad your snatch smelled or your thick piss.”
9:01 pm. White Owl Social Club. Auggie Smith: “I married a Portland girl. Why did I marry a Portland girl? Because I love Portland girls, goddamnit. I love you Portland girls. I love you and your 15 roommates. I love your ironically named cat. I love the fact that you’re vegetarian, and ride your bike everywhere, and you’re still overweight. But I love it.”
9:02 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Kristine Levine: “As a Jew...”
9:03 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Kristine Levine: “I’m the queen of getting pregnant and then not having babies.”
9:13 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Emo Philips: “I was in the park today, playing my absolute favorite game: homeless or outdoorsman?”
9:13 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Emo Philips: “Research over the last thirteen years has taught us that most terrorists simply have low self-esteem.... We have satellites six miles up that tell us when people are spending most of their lives in fetal positions.”
9:15 pm. White Owl Social Club. Laurie Kilmartin: “My dad died a couple months ago, this is true, and last Christmas was my dad’s last Christmas. It was a tough time, I didn’t know what to get him for Christmas. Do I get him something he wants, or something I want to inherit? (Groans from the audience.) How dare you? Guess who taught me to think that way? My mother, but still.”
9:15 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Emo Philips: “Necrophiliacs are just like anyone else. They like a little variety.”
9:17 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Emo Philips (in response to “Erotic electric chair” prompt): “In our neverending quest for humane execution...”
9:26 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Wil Anderson: “I love going down on people. But here’s what I don’t love: genitals. You’re spitting, and there’s hair—particularly in Portland. And that’s why I got kicked out of Macy’s.”
9:29 pm. White Owl Social Club. Reggie Watts: “This is the seventh year running for the comedy festival. Big round of applause for that. You’ve seen headliners unlike the headliners you’re used to seeing. You’ve seen people that draw lines on their fucking head, you know? That’s how much they’re fucking into it. ‘Look, I’m headlining!’ Well yeah, but you’re not on stage and last. You know? That’s a joke a friend of mine told me."
9:31 pm. Doug Fir. Will Anderson: “Mandela was probably the last great person. But when I fucked him in prison I thought it would stay quiet.”
10:07 pm. Analog Theater. Hari Kondabolu: “We are in Portland, which is a bit of white guilt factory.”
10:28 pm. Analog Theater. W. Kamau Bell: “Liberal white people, let me tell you: You’re allowed to use the N-word anytime you’re prepared to deal with the consequences of using the N-word.”
10:41 pm. White Owl Social Club. Amy Miller: “I don’t like all this ritual. I grew up going to church and now I feel like someone is going to try and touch me.
10:42 pm. Analog Theater. W. Kamau Bell: “To be a member of an oppressed class, Howard Zinn has to talk about you a lot.”
10:53 pm. White Owl Social Club. Sean Patton: “For years, wherever I went there’d be some bros fucking broing out. Just like, ‘Yo, hey bro. Hey, hey, hey. You ever give your girl a Hindenburg? You ever Hindenburg that shit, dude? That’s when you’re fucking her, and you pull out, and shove a stick of C4 inside of her. Okay? And then you take her skydiving over New Jersey, and, YOU DETONATE THAT BITCH, BRO! YOU BLOW HER UP!’ Why would I ever do that? How? I like my girl, I don’t want to blow her up over New Jersey.”
11:16 pm. White Owl Social Club. Ahmed Bharoocha: “Cows. We kill them, we eat them, we wear them. That’s on par with most animals and other things that’ve lived. But with cows, we also eat their children, then we drink their milk—which is the milk intended for their children that we ate. We eat their babies and then we eat their babies’ food. Then, on top of all that, we take pictures of our missing children and put it on their milk. ‘Hey, sorry for stealing your kids, but you’ve haven’t seen mine have you?’ I’m going to throw up. Goodnight.”
11:11 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Ester Steinberg: "Clap it up for being in this part of the Hawthorne Theater. If you go to the bathroom you'll see the cast members of The Living Dead."
11:16 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Ester Steinberg: "My heart is attached to whatever penis is inside me, that's how it works."
11:17 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Ester Steinberg: "I'm an actress right now until I get a really good waitressing job."
11:26 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Steve Gillespie: "I don't want to be a dad man, I want to be a step-dad. That's where it's at."
11:28 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Steve Gillespie: "I don't have health insurance. I don't need it. I have car insurance. If I get sick, I'll just get in a car accident."
11:32 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Aaron Weaver. "I feel like ironing boards are just surf boards that got practical and gave up on their dreams."
11:40 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Wilfred Padua. "It's late. Aren't you guys tired? Why are you here?”
11:42 Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Wilfred Padua: "Do you ever think, who are you to have an opinion? I'm thinking that right now."
11:47 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Wilfred Padua: "If I had a vagina I would fuck it up bad. I would leave it on the roof of my car and drive off."
11:50 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Molly Fite: "Fun fact about me, I'm on all the same medications as Jennifer Lawrence's character in Silver Linings Playbook."
11:52 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Molly Fite: "I had to learn all about sex from television, which was great because my favorite show was The Golden Girls."
11:54 pm. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Molly Fite: "Do you guys ever look around your apartment and wish that your shitty roommate would do the dishes, and then realize that you live alone?"
12:30 am. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Nate Bargatze: "I'm a couple exits away from a drinking problem."
12:04 am. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Nate Bargatze: "Just my luck, I get stopped by a helicopter in the middle of nowhere."
12:05 am. Hawthorne Theater Lounge. Nate Bargatze: "My body's not like 'You're welcome,' my body's like 'I'm sorry.'"