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Farmer Ted is a conniving rapist in cahoots with Jake Ryan. The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles reside in a racist universe where the rare non-whites are either servants or Long Duk Dong. Ponyboy marked the creative death of one of the greatest filmmakers in America. And Prince? Kind of a bitch. Especially compared to Morris Day.
The '80s were a magical time in cinema! And they're on full display during the Mission Theater's '80s Week, taking place through Saturday.
I'm not trash-talking any of the films on this wonderful retro roster, which includes The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, The Outsiders and Purple Rain. But one of the worst things about becoming an adult and re-examining the classics of your youth is the cynicism that age brings. Nostalgia might be the MSG of memory, but hindsight can ruin even the most whimsical recollection.
Take Sixteen Candles. It's been a certified slumber-party mainstay for three decades. But the '80s were a different time, and that's something we tend to forget when we gleefully show new generations an innocent, PG-rated movie in which the main character declares that her ultra-rich family "fucking forgot my birthday" before we're treated to shots of a topless teen and youths playfully drinking their asses off. Molly Ringwald's Sam pines for a stud who hands over his blacked-out girlfriend to have sex with Anthony Michael Hall in exchange for tips on how to pick up Sam. And that's to say nothing of Long Duk Dong, playing a character who misses ranking among the most racist of all time only by virtue of not being a white dude in yellowface.
The Breakfast Club, meanwhile, takes place in a school so whitewashed it makes even Portland look racially diverse. Sure, there are some universal problems hashed out among the brain, athlete, basket case, princess and criminal. But holy shit—isn't this the same era of Do the Right Thing? And doesn't it take place outside Chicago? Don't they have even one token black friend? We'll just go ahead and call Prince an unofficial member, since Purple Rain is also playing.
Hindsight isn't limited to realizing that your childhood heroes are whiny perverts, either. The Outsiders is fondly remembered by a generation who looked up to the tough but tender camaraderie of Patrick Swayze, Matt Dillon and C. Thomas Howell, and was probably responsible for every movie seat in 1983 needing a thorough cleaning. But it also marks director Francis Ford Coppola's transition from director of Apocalypse Now to director of Peggy Sue Got Married. And frankly, The Outsiders has aged about as well as Howell himself.
But none of this matters. That's the power of nostalgia on the moviegoing mind. Our memories of these movies are probably better than the films themselves, which allows us to forgive that Prince is kind of a pussy in Purple Rain (and the movie sucks), that The Outsiders is a schlocky melodrama, and that Anthony Michael Hall is poised to be suburban Chicago's Bill Cosby.
These movies are classics in our mind, and nobody—least of all some cynical film critic—can change that. Just keep it in mind next time your kids' slumber party includes a John Hughes double feature.
SEE IT: '80s Week continues through Saturday at the Mission Theater. See mcmenamins.com for showtimes.
Also Showing:
Weird Wednesday presents the 1965 Italian gothic film Terror-Creatures from the Grave, in which… look, if you can't figure out what it's about from the title, we're not going to spell this out for you. Joy Cinema. 9:15 pm Wednesday, Jan. 27.
Church of Film rounds out its Late Weimar Glam series with a rare screening of the influential 1933 classic Viktor and Viktoria, the tale of an actor who moonlights as an actress. Clinton Street Theater. 8 pm Wednesday, Jan. 27.
OMSI's Science on Screen gets extremely serious with Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, complete with a talk about regenerative science, hopefully set to Puttin' On the Ritz. OMSI. 6:30 pm Thursday, Jan. 28.
Casablanca makes its first appearance of the year, here in glorious 35mm. Academy Theater. Friday-Thursday, Jan. 29-Feb. 4.
In 2011's The Mill and the Cross, Polish director Lech Majewski examines the 500 or so characters contained in Pieter Bruegel the Elder's titular 1564 painting, with crucifixions and religious persecution and Rutget Hauer as the artist himself, just for fun. 5th Avenue Cinema. 7 & 9:30 pm Friday-Saturday, 3 pm Sunday, Jan. 29-31.
The Bombay to Bollywood series keeps rolling with two very different films: 1998's gangster noir Satya (Saturday) and 1995's sweeping and beloved romance Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. NW Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium. See NWFilm.org for full listings.
Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai—one of the best and most influential films ever produced—returns to the Hollywood courtesy of the This is Your Theater audience-choice program. Hollywood Theatre. 7 pm Monday, Feb. 1
The David Bowie tributes keep rolling with Labyrinth, the tale of an ethereal Goblin King who kidnaps a baby in order to trick a 15-year-old girl into becoming the love slave of his gigantic Bowie-buldge. Mission Theater. Monday-Sunday, Feb. 1-7.
How do you like your Bill Murray? Sardonic? Sarcastic? Manic? Placid? Oozing charisma? Suicidal? Manic? They're all here in Groundhog Day, as is actor's most rounded and perfect performance. Mission Theater. Monday-Tuesday, Feb. 1-2 (including all day Tuesday). Clinton Street Theater. 7 pm Tuesday, Feb. 2.
B-Movie Bingo unveils the massive, glistening pectorals of Frank Zagarino in Striker, a Rambo knockoff that takes to task Nicaraguan politics through the power of reasonable dialogue and unrelenting machine-gun fire. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Tuesday, Feb. 2.
Willamette Week
