KEYS LOUNGE CLASSIC BURGER
$6 from 3 to 7pm and 11pm to 2am.
533 NE Killingsworth St.
Ever wondered what a Big Mac would taste like if it was made by a consummate professional from Oregon-raised beef? This is it, and it is delicious. Keys also allows vegans to "upgrade" to an Impossible Burger for $2, so there's that.
LITTLE BIRD DOUBLE BRIE BURGER
215 SW 6th Ave.
$7 before 6pm and after 10pm
In typical Gabe Rucker fashion, Little Bird's Double Brie Burger is a Frenchified version of the American barroom classic, with gobs of gooey brie dripping from a pillowy bun. You'll need a cocktail to wash down this $7 monstrosity, which is exactly how they get you.
TRYST HOISIN-SICHUAN BURGER
19 SW 2nd Ave.
$5 all day Wednesday and $7 from 4 to 7pm daily
Dancing joyously around the equilibrium of fat and acid is Tryst's tangy slaw-covered Sichuan masterpiece, which can be had on Wednesdays for just $5 and the infinite regret of ever spending much more to receive much less.
SLOW BAR SLOWBURGER JR.
533 SE Grand Ave.
$6 from 3 to 6pm Monday-Friday and midnight to 2:30am Sunday-Thursday
Rather than wallop you with fat like its dad, Junior punches above his weight with a zesty jab of wasabi mayo, kale and kimchi that cede nicely to that iconic Slowburger seasoning.
SKINNY MAN AT SANDY HUT
1430 NE Sandy Blvd.
$6 from 2 to 7pm
If a darkened hole perfect for pickling your liver and clogging your arteries is what you seek, Sandy Hut is that place, and the Skinny Man—an only slight smaller version of the gargantuan Fat Man—is the burger for the job. With Painted Hills beef, cheddar and a generous layer of "million island sauce," the Skinny Man is Portland's unimpeachable champ of bar burgers.
FLAT-TOP BURGER AT IMPERIAL
410 SW Broadway.
$6 before 6pm, after 10pm Sunday-Thursday, after 11pm Friday-Saturday
Think you're too broke to enjoy our 2015 Restaurant of the Year? Think again. You'll have to sit at the bar to get the price cut, but no amount of awkward conversation with a traveling salesman from the Nebraska can undercut the joy of the Flat-Top Burger, which adds dill mayo and sweet pickles to a no-nonsense classic that hardly needs the upgrade.
BAR BAR BURGER
3939 N Mississippi Ave.
It's late. Your ears are ringing from the show at Mississippi Studios you just left. You're hungry, and perhaps a little bit drunk. You see a guy by the fire pit eating a mound of beef smashed into a potato bun and white paper. You order one from the window, eat it, and wonder why the rest of life's pleasures aren't this simple.