At the annual Beer and Cider Pro/Am, you never know what you're going to drink.
That's kind of the whole point. The event—put on by Willamette Week—pairs amateur homebrewers with Portland's best breweries and cideries to come up with utterly unique brews the world has never tasted before.
For that reason, it's sort of a hard thing to preview.
Sure, brewers supply scraps of information, which amounts to a brief description of the beverage and its ingredients. But for the most part, all we really have to go on is the name.
A name, however, can tell you a lot. And so, here are our power rankings of all 32 entries going into this year's competitions—based on nothing but what their creators decided to call them.
1. Rowdy Roddy Pilsner (Super Cold Pilsner)
Ritch Marvin with Breakside
ABV: 5.2% IBU: 20
Analysis: Not only is it a tribute to the greatest pro wrestling heel of all time but a legendary Portlander to boot. Don't you dare tell me he was actually Canadian—it's still real to me, damn it!
2. #squadgourds (Gourd Spice British Strong Ale)
Andrew Bisbee with Binary Brewing
ABV: 7.4% IBU: 18
Analysis: "#squashgoals" would've made more sense, but it's not nearly as fun to say out loud.
3. The Wrath of Pecan (Pecan Bock)
Jason Jaime with Ascendant
ABV: 6.2% IBU: 31
Analysis: Sounds like a Ben and Jerry's flavor, but it's hard to deny the mental image of William Shatner screaming about nuts.
4. Self-Portrait in Three Colors (Peppercorn and Sage Witbier/Barrel-aged sour blend)
Jon and Parker Hall with Upright Brewing
ABV: 5.0% IBU: 12
Analysis: Full disclosure—Parker Hall is a WW contributor. And this is the title of a Charles Mingus tune. Admit it, though, you'd feel pretty sophisticated ordering this at a bar, wouldn't you?
5. Brut We Got So Close! (Imperial Red Brut IPA)
Jeff Roth with Josh Jennings
ABV: 8.0% IBU: 30
Analysis: What happened here was the brewers tried to make a heretofore unprecedented Red Brut IPA and nearly got there, but they're just going to go ahead and call it that anyway. Points for honesty.
6. Lisa Left IPA Lopes (Taco-Inspired IPA)
Kristen Walters with Alameda Brewing
ABV: 6.7% IBU: 40
Analysis: The pun is a bit belabored, but the thought is there. Move this one up a few notches if it's served with a wrapped condom on the edge of the glass.
7. Marvelous Mr. Mustachio (Sour Cherry Saison)
Dan Trimarco with Lompoc
ABV: 5.3% IBU: N/A
Analysis: While seemingly nodding toward The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, it has a Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium vibe.
8. Supply Llama (Hazy IPA)
Will Minderhout with Funhouse Brews
ABV: 7.0% IBU: 42
Analysis: Apparently, this is a Fortnite reference. We don't know anything about that, but llamas are pretty chill.
9. Rastas Don't Drink (Tropical Stout)
Felicia Reninger with Dirty Pretty
ABV: 6.5% IBU: 38
Analysis: Anyone else singing a reggae version of "Papa Don't Preach" in their head right now?
10. Cassiopeia (Catharina Sour Ale with Passionfruit, Guava and Tangerine)
Dean Ehnes with Ecliptic
ABV: 4.6% IBU: 5
Analysis: On the one hand, the word has a classy mouthfeel. On the other, it's also got the word "pee" in it.
11. Confuggled (Hopped Cider)
Roxanne Kilpatrick with Portland Cider Company
ABV: 7.5% IBU: N/A
Analysis: Anything that apparently uses Fuggle hops gets a thumbs up, if only because "Fuggle Hops" sounds like a lost British Invasion band.
12. Summer Loving (Brut IPA)
Coyan Corder with Evasion Brewery
ABV: 7.5% IBU: 15
Analysis: According to the brewers, the beer, made with Australian hops, is specifically a tribute to Olivia Newton-John and her Aussie heritage. We would've gone with Xanabrew in that case, but hey, that's cool.
13. Spicy Grandma (Cardamom and Habanero Infused Cider)
Corrie Heath with Avid Cider Co.
ABV: 6.2% IBU: N/A
Analysis: Isn't this also the title of the direct-to-VOD sequel to Dirty Grandpa, starring Cloris Leachman and Timothee Chalamet?
14. Bohemian Like You (Czech Pilsner)
Margaret Havlik with Second Profession Brewing
ABV: 5.5% IBU: 35
Analysis: Someone's hoping Courtney Taylor-Taylor is on the voting panel, aren't they?
15. Rosé Colored Glasses (Brut Style IPA with Pinotage Grape Must)
Heather Egizio and Ezra Johnson-Greenough with Baerlic Brewing
ABV: 7.0% IBU: N/A
Analysis: Your mom's gonna love it!
16. Summer's Eulogy (Agave Lime Session Ale)
Jarett Creason and John Moore with Coalition Brewing
ABV: 4.8% IBU: 38
Analysis: Didn't Summer's Eulogy put out a 7-inch on Jade Tree back in the '90s?
17. Peach Diddy (Spontaneously fermented Peach Berliner Weiss Style Ale)
Chad Graham with Ex Novo
ABV: 2.8% IBU: 8
Analysis: We really don't need to be giving Sean Combs any more ideas.
18. Are You Yeti for a Great Beer? (Belgian Dubbel)
Brandon Kilpatrick with Sasquatch
ABV: 7.0% IBU: 20
Analysis: All right, who let their dad name the beer?
19. Red Zeppelin (India Red Ale)
Barry Webb with Leikam Brewing
ABV: 6.0% IBU: N/A
Analysis: All right, who let their dad name their beer?
20. Drinkin' the Kool-Aid (New Kewl Thing)
Gordon Penner and Jack Hall with Level Beer
ABV: 5.9% IBU: N/A
Analysis: Cults are definitely in this year, but associating a beverage with Jonestown is maybe not the best marketing idea.
21. Pie Graff (Graff Cider)
John Drake with New West Cider
ABV: 4.6% IBU: 20
22. Theosophy (Rye Saison)
Dwayne Smallwood with Luke Barrett, Fort George Brewery
ABV: 7.8% IBU: N/A
23. Kick Out the Jams (Pale Ale)
George Dimeo with Gigantic
ABV: 6.2% IBU: 31
24. Eis-toberfest (Oktoberfest Lager)
Mike Marsh with McMenamins Edgefield
ABV: 11.5% IBU: 42
Analysis: Well, it's definitely gonna get you drunk.
25. Mugolio Pine Bud Cider (Conifer-Infused Cider)
Miranda Karson with Swift Cider
ABV: 6.5% IBU: N/A
Analysis: From the brewer: "Mugolio is a one-of-a-kind, wild-grown product made by forager Eleonora Cunaccia in Trento, Italy. She is one of a few local residents given permission to gather by hand the tender young buds of the Mugo pine in early May." Sounds good to me.
26. Dank Crystal (Fresh Hop Lager)
Ashley Rose Salvitti with Widmer Brothers
ABV: 5.0% IBU: 30
Analysis: There has to be a weed strain with this name, right?
27. Sterling Landbier (Washougal-provincial Lagerbier)
Erik Nelson with 54° 40' Brewing
ABV: 5.0% IBU: 30
Analysis: "Bill Landbier" was right there.
28. Woodrose Angleshare (Barrel Aged Cider)
Jenn McPoland and Jeremie Landers with Schilling Cider
ABV: 13.0% IBU: N/A
29. Mirage (Hazy Double IPA/Fruited Brut DIPA)
Stephen Smith with Great Notion
ABV: 8.2% IBU: N/A
30. Escape (Piña Colada Milkshake IPA)
Dan Schlegel with Green Dragon
ABV: 7.6% IBU: 39
31. Hazy Is Lazy (Hazy IPA)
Craig Vanaken with Zoiglhaus
ABV: 7.2% IBU: 38
Analysis: It sure is.
32. Kriek Lambic Cider (Cider)
Nate Mock with Bauman's Cider Co.
ABV: 7.5% IBU: N/A
Analysis: So you guys didn't even feel like trying, huh?
GO: Willamette Week's Beer & Cider Pro/Am is at Leftbank Annex, 101 N Weidler St. Noon VIP, 1 pm general admission Sunday, Oct. 14. $30 general admission, $40 VIP, $10 for non-drinkers. 21+. Go here for tickets.