I swipe right once every 70 or so guys on dating apps.
It's not because I'm trying to find only classically hot dudes. I wouldn't call myself picky.
It's more about the vibes.
I constantly hear from my male friends that they're frustrated at the small number of matches they get. These are guys I consider super desirable, ones I would probably swipe right IRL.
Then I look at their Tinder profiles. Dear Lord. Boys choose the absolute worst combination of photos of themselves to put online. They just don't get it. It's not really that hard to be good at your dating apps.
As Valentine's Day approaches, a lot of people are feeling the extra FOMO of not being in a relationship, causing them to open those apps a little more often.
Heterosexual dudes, here's what you should never put on your profile if you actually want to get matches, as told by a 23-year-old woman who definitely does not want to hear back from you about anything in this article.
1. Photos of you with a baby/children/a really cute dog/your grandma.
Beware of the Thirst Trap. It's is a classic move to seduce women into thinking the guy is super caring and sensitive, when he really just likes posing with his nephew because girls like it. Also, chances are, we know we're not getting to hang out with that cute dog.
2. Photos of you with a baby, and writing "baby is my nephew" in your bio.
This is even worse than just having a photo with a baby.
3. Photos of you with kids in a Third World country.
Do I even need to explain this?
Duh. A hot tip: Girls usually don't like guys who don't believe girls should be treated like equals!
5. Military/camo-related photos.
Thank you for your service. I don't want to see you wearing camo and hanging with, like, 15 dudes holding guns in the desert.
6. Photo of you holding a dead fish or other animal.
I've got enough lasting emotional baggage from childhood without having to deal with yours. First off, you killed Bambi. Second, are you trying to feed me?
7. Photos of you at the gym.
I personally do not want to see your muscles at the gym, but maybe someone else does?
8. Only group photos.
Related: Who's the guy to your left?
9. Only solo photos.
Don't you have friends?
10. Saying "just here for friends."
This one just kinda bums me out.
11. Saying "not here for hookups" when in fact you are.
Because of course you are.
12. Photos in which you are shirtless for no reason.
These guys usually don't go down on girls.
13. "Sit on my face" bios/messages.
Messages I have received that nobody ever should: "Sit on my face," "Are you pro turtle?"
14. Using it to promote your business.
No, I don't want to "collaborate," and I know you're not actually looking for "models to shoot." And you say you're "a creative," yet you seem to have an identical minimalist aesthetic as every advertising major I went to college with.
15. Anything with a hand symbol.
A middle finger indicates you have underlying anger issues. A peace sign indicates you are out of touch with the world. A thumbs-up might be OK, unless it's a selfie or you're next to a poster of Megan Fox. The shaka sign is no longer cool because we're not 9…should I keep going?
16. Only photos at Greek life functions.
The number of months you keep frat photos after you've graduated from college is directly proportionate to how disappointed you would be if your first child were a girl.
17. Photos of your shitty art.
Unless you go to Reed and are trying to extend a Renn Fayre invitation, I don't want to see your splatter paint, minimalist black-and-white photos or anatomical line drawings.
18. Anything claiming you're a feminist or socialist bro.
At this point, I'm going to assume you're a feminist because why would you not be, and if you still have #Bernie in your bio, but didn't vote for Hillary, I strongly urge you to work out your mom issues.
19. Anything about "wanderlust."
"Travel writing" is a great career when your parents are paying for you to go to Iceland.
20. Having a vague/unreadable bio.
This is an actual bio: "5'10; adrenaline junkie looking to cause wild fun chaos with significant other! I also really digg: live EDM shows; music forever, hip-. Love Dawgs."
21. Only photos of you doing extreme sports*.
*But if you are a lifestyle rock climber, skier, surfer, etc., I would like to know ASAP, because I will never be, and that will be our eventual downfall.
22. Listing your height.
How has it not entered the collective consciousness that "self-employed" obviously means drug dealer?
24. EDM vibes.
All I see when you have Tiësto listed as your music, a stuffed-animal shawl over your neck and a photo of you with hundreds of people standing in a pool holding a floatie…is that you're so over molly that you're into ketamine now.
25. Photos of you in bed.
Some things are better left to the imagination.