"The nearest Shake Shack is 176 miles away.  The closest In-N-Out is 245 miles.  The nearest Chik-Fil-A is in Clackamas, but is the drive worth supporting their dubious politics?

In Portland, we don't have a homegrown fast-food chain with the larger-than-life reputation of these titans. (Burgerville is technically a Washington operation.) But what we do have is a local restaurant and food cart scene where talented chefs have worked up their own approximations of fast-food classics, in most cases vastly outshining their source material.

The Steam Burger at Gabriel Rucker's Canard is a version of the classic White Castle slider that is approximately 25 times more delicious than the already good original. Bunk Bar recently introduced the Bunk Burger, a spin on the classic Bob's Big Boy Burger which leaves the chubby, overalled originator's creation in the dust. Burger Stevens, Hit the Spot and Super Deluxe all serve Shake Shack-style burgers that are consistently more delicious than that wildly inconsistent franchise.

So forget that three-, four-, or 12-hour drive to sample those legendary fast-food chains. Trust me, we've got far better versions here—and they're so close, you can even ride one of those godforsaken electric scooters on the way."

—Bill Oakley, comedy writer and fast-food blogger