Skip to main content
Advent calendars are goodie boxes used to count down the days leading up to Christmas’ big present haul. I’m not a parent, but I imagine that baby birthdays are really celebrations for the parents, where they should serve things their progeny can’t swipe from them. They’ve got no clue what’s going on, so why not make it about the people responsible for putting the party together? And why then should Baby Jesus get a pass?
In that spirit, we present Portland-curated advent calendars that were clearly not made to celebrate a baby’s birthday. These gifts are way too nice for little ones, not to mention that half of these would probably warrant a child protective services call if they got into these. Fine candy, coffee and booze will certainly make the countdown to Christmas—and Hanukkah, this year!—and all the other winter holidays a lot more bearable.
Twelve Nights of Cocktails
Straightaway Cocktails’ Twelve Nights of Cocktails box ($59.95) hit Costco shelves back in October as a 12-pack of 100 milliliter cans. The local canned craft cocktail company’s inaugural advent calendar features six of the brand’s best sellers, as well as six never-before-tasted holiday exclusive flavors. The new flavors, not found outside this box, are a Thai gimlet, blanco margarita, Manhattan, Pacific paloma and No. 3 daiquiri. It might not have a drink for all the days leading up to Dec. 25, but it should still make your holidays a little more bearable. straightawaycocktails.com
PDX Coffee Club
Coffee would stunt the Baby Jesus’ growth, and who needs a baby hopped up on caffeine? PDX’s Coffee Club rounded up 24 of Portland’s most popular roasters—Deadstock, Proud Mary and Push X Pull among them—to procure 40 gram sample bags of each coffee house’s signature blends. The three-shaped box ($150) isn’t listed in chronological order, which seems like an odd design choice for households where someone might need this calendar to help keep them alert. That said, if you mix up the calendar’s order because your coffee hadn’t kicked in yet, we’re sure God will forgive you. pdxcoffeeclub.com
Pix Pâtisserie
The beloved French dessert-maker’s latest offering lets you take home even more magic than you can pull from its East Burnside vending machine. Pix’s advent calendar ($75) features two dozen ornate chocolate candies and bonbons far too rich for babies. These highly detailed sweets are practically works of art unto themselves, nearly too beautiful to eat. Pix made only 50 calendars this year, so the highly coveted calendars are in danger of selling out. If you do get your hands on one, it will be up to you to limit yourself to the daily calendar intake of sweet treats. pixpatisserie.com
Namazake Paul’s Sake Advent Calendar
Purportedly offering the world’s only sake advent calendar ($300), Namazake Paul selects a wide range of the Japanese wines, varying by flavor and brewing style, along with a handful of secret, exclusive gifts any sake lover will appreciate. Each 180 ml cup—along with the 720 ml Christmas Eve showstopper—includes a tasting booklet with trivia and pairing suggestions, and pops out of an adorably animated winter wonderland of cute critters making merry. Purchase includes access to three digital events, including tasting classes and a digital brewery tour. namazakepaulimports.com