The entire economy is completely fucked now. We all know that rich people always find a way to get richer. In what specific ways are they going to get even more money in the face of pandemic-fueled total economic collapse? —Prole Cat

It will probably come as no great surprise that the best way to survive any kind of global crisis is to already have a shit ton of money in the bank before it happens. Having money is always great, but if you can have lots of it at a time when nobody else has any, that's even better!

Take beef torpedo Scott Disick, occasional boyfriend of one of the Kardashians and a bit player on their TV show. Disick has no discernible redeeming qualities, but his proximity to the Kardashians means he does have easy access to capital. He's also lousy with social capital in the form of 23 million Instagram followers (his handle, horribly, is @letthelordbewithyou).

Disick is using the capital that you and I so conspicuously lack to market hoodies that say "Please Wash Your Hands" at $129 a pop. It's not like nobody else could have thought of this; it's strictly a function of his ability to invest when others can't.

Or how about vulture capitalist and human tick Carl Icahn? He's currently boasting to anyone who'll listen how he's shorting the commercial real estate market. This means, more or less, that every time a business goes under and can't pay its rent, Icahn makes money.

It's not like it's difficult to see this train wreck coming. But even if you're OK with profiting from others' misery, do you have a couple mil lying around to cash in on it?

Down at the local level, anecdotal reports suggest that many of Portland's independent bars and restaurants that closed last month may never reopen. Who's going to have the money to start new bars and restaurants in those now-vacant locations, taking advantage of what is likely to be a wide-open market? Not broke assholes like you and me!

Of course, in the event of total economic collapse—as in complete failure of the banking and currency system—all bets will be off, since there will no longer be such a thing as money. Would it be worth it to see Rupert Murdoch eating grubs while attempting to fashion a crude spear to catch toads with? Your call.