Is There Such a Thing as Fentanyl Brownies?

I was at a party where there were brownies. We made the usual jokes about how they might be pot brownies, or PCP brownies, or fentanyl brownies. Then I was like, wait—IS there such a thing as fentanyl brownies? Do I need to add this deadly confection to my list of things to worry about? —Alice B. Tokeless

I think I get your logic here, Alice: Pot is a drug, and pot brownies really exist, so you’re worried that crazed hopheads might be turning other drugs into desserts as well. Soon we’ll be hip deep in methedrine marzipan, PCP petits fours, bath salts blancmanges and psilocybin syllabub. Sacre bleu!

Color me unconvinced. That said, if only the locus of your concern were cocaine cannoli, you’d have even less to worry about: Cocaine is much less bioavailable when swallowed than when snorted or injected, making cocaine-infused pastry an even bigger waste of money than it sounds. I was hoping that oral fentanyl would be similarly ineffective, but that’s wrong: People O.D. from popping fent-laced pills all the time.

Let’s not forget, however, that the pot brownie didn’t become a thing because drugs of abuse and baked goods just naturally go together, like golfing and Gold Bond. It’s because cannabis HAS to be heated before it will get you high, and the brownie-making process takes care of that. Drugs that don’t require this extra step have no reason to find their way into bake-sale treats.

Are fentanyl (or PCP or crystal meth) brownies possible? Probably. It’s likely that all these drugs—which are still effective after being lit on fire and smoked—would survive the oven’s heat, and if the National Science Foundation were offering a $1 million grant for the first hard-drug brownie (and these days, it probably is), I bet you could make one. But why would anyone want to? Urban legends about heroin-laced Halloween candy notwithstanding, I found no credible reports of drug-laced sweets being handed out to strangers. It just doesn’t appear to be a thing that happens.

Maybe someday someone will make fentanyl brownies. Then again, someday someone might also make fish hook brownies, or smallpox brownies, or plutonium brownies. It could happen! Still, this worry is like my childhood fear that lobsters would come up through the toilet and attack my defenseless butt with their claws: It would definitely be bad if it happened, but there are likelier scenarios to worry about.

Questions? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com.